Went lunch with Eric, Jo, Jeric and Jerica this afternoon to celebrate Jeric's birthday since i will not be around on his birthday on valentine's day. We ate alot and had a great time. We ended with a gigantic banana split with 6 scoops of ice-cream and lots of marsh mallow, almond, cherries and cream... It was yummmmmmy! Need to go to the gym to shed off all these calories soon.

I thank God for my two god-children that though i didn't spend alot of time with them esp when paul was very ill, the bonds are still great and i pray that they will grow up to be healthy, humble, wise, filial, good-hearted and most of all God-fearing person.

(group photo)

(mummy and son sharing birthday on the same month)
(jeric unwrapping his birthday gift in the car)

(Glad he likes his gift)

Praise God

I was shocked to receive several smses yesterday congratulating me for being one of the top 50 agents in my company in year 2009. Glory be to God! I am blessed with good clients who had over the years become friends and some of them even made time to visit paul while he was ill and prayed for him.

This achievement is never possible without blessings from the Lord. I was so tied up with paul and my priority was spending time with him and had turned away quite a number of prospects during the past 2 yrs and only served my regular clients but God had blessed me with many smooth and easy deals which didn't have to take up too much time so that i could still spend quality time with paul.

I had always been in the top 5 position in the past years and recognition was something i strived for but ever since paul was diagnosed with this terminal illness, my perspective changed totally. I have learnt to be contented with what i have and i will not stress myself to be among the top as before.... I will still work but in a more relax way.

Paul used to tell me he was very proud of me whenever i received the awards and he felt bad that bcos of him, i had to give up many deals to be by his side but to me, it's definitely worth it as our love for each other had truly grown during his battle with cancer and i know he must be happy to see the results and i know he is still watching over me and interceding for me... I miss my darling and I am looking forward to going to Bali with my family(14 of us) from 12 to 17 Feb to have a short break......

Lily

(Straits Time - 4 Feb 2010)

Finally pamelia gave us a treat last night. Too bad joel and se eun couldn't join us. We had dinner at Swensen and pamelia kept reminding us not to over-order and when the waitress repeated our order, her face turned pale! Finally when the bill came, she felt relieved as we only spent S$206 and maureen contributed S$100 swensen voucher. It is good to see that she is learning to give and not just receive.

Thank you pam for the sumptuous dinner. Keep it up!

"..... it is more blessed to give than to receive." acts 20:35b

Happy Birthday Desy!

We celebrated Desy's 19th birthday on wed, 27 jan. Had been busy past few days and just managed to find some time to post the pictures. Peter was away in Myanmar from monday to wed and daniel and maureen went for 2day trip to malaysia for "makan" with some friends.

I had been kept really busy with buyers and tenants. Had lost some deals but it's ok as i believe i will be blessed bountifully and this is just some setbacks that agents have to face. I used to get angry and frustrated when this happened in the past but i guess i am pretty used to it after being in the industry for more than 11 yrs.

I hope to wrap up some good deals before leaving for bali. Well, it will happen as long as i believe and work hard! Tomorrow is going to be another busy day.......

Lily

(birthday girl, ms desy)

(jonathan represented 105ians to present desy the gift)

(do you like it?)

(minah gave desy a special gift too)

How time flies? Today is exactly 3mths my dear hubby had gone home with the Lord. I had been kept pretty busy with work. Praise God for His provision! I had met up with some good friends cum customers the past week and had been occupied with work, lunches, tea etc.

Must thank God for providing me not only great family members but also friends who would assist me in time of needs. No words could express how thankful i truly am esp yesterday when i needed to deliver urgent cargo to kukup....

Someone told me over lunch that two of her friends had gone home with the Lord in yr 2009, one of them was paul and the other guy was younger(also a golfer) and his death was very sudden. Just after a walk with his wife, he suddenly went into coma and didn't wake up at all. Though i believe it is the best way to go home without any sufferings but it must be terrible for the loved ones. I couldn't imagine how the family felt. It must be very hard on them esp his wife.....

Though i miss paul dearly, i thank God for helping me to cope very well. Whenever i feel sad that he is no longer with me, somehow the vision of him smiling happily at me just comforted me. I know he is so much happier now. Just as my friend said, 2 golfers had gone home in 2009 and they probably playing golf together now...

Went out with pamelia and my two god-children, jeric and jerica today. We had haagen dazs ice-cream before the show "Alvin and the chipmunks" and adjourned to Pizza Hut for dinner. It was so nice spending time with just the kids as they really brought me joy; especially seeing how care-free and innocent they are....

It's already been 83days since my dear hubby left me alone in this world.... i had been praying to God to let me see him in my dreams every night.... i miss him especially when i have to do the things he used to be the one doing.... he took care of most of the stuffs: car, house, bills, vacations, gym, etc etc . I never had to worry about forgetting anything as he would ensure everything was in order. Recently when the car seemed to have a minor issue, i felt abit lost as that's his department... Daniel helped by bringing me to his mechanic and i suddenly remembered paul's friend who owns a workshop in sin ming and had a 2nd opinion....Thank God finally i managed to have it checked without paying a cent...

As for my real estate business, he was the one who planned all the routes for viewing of properties for my buyers and tenants as my sense of directions is quite bad... when i drove around alone yesterday trying to check some good properties for my buyers, i thought of paul so much... He was the one driving me around with my clients and he would engage in all conversations with them and all my clients had been very comfortable with him and enjoyed his company as he is quite well informed in all areas especially the current affairs and sports....

Whenever i was disappointed and demoralized with this business since we meet all kinds of people, the good, the bad and the real ugly ones, he was the one who always stood by me, encouraging me and brought me away for a short vacation to recharge my "batteries".....

He stopped playing golf so that he could assist me in my sales. He would wake up early every morning to finish all his business activities for the day and kept the afternoon for me... Golf had been his first love and he used to play every afternoon on weekdays but he gave up and helped me to build my real estate business instead many years ago.

I know i have to be on my own now but i thank God for giving me such a memorable time with paul and i will treasure all the memories as long as i live..... Anyway, i still have my family to rely on ..... God has been very good to me... Whenever i look back on my life, i am truly thankful that He has planned everything for me and i am not alone. Praise God!

Well done, Pamelia!

Pam received an award this morning for being in the top 10per cent for secondary two students in our constituency. We praise God for her achievements and all of us are very proud of her! We pray that she will continue to excel and achieve higher awards but most importantly be a young lady of great virtues; that she will love and care for others and be humble at all times. She had been a wonderful daughter, sister and niece and had been showered with much love for being the youngest in this house and it's time for her to give us a treat .....(hehehe....don't think of keeping the $). 105ians, pick your restaurant, budget $399... let her keep $1 at least....... hahahaha............................

What a way to start the year. Had been sick since sat..... Since self-medication didn't help, had no choice but went to consult a doctor at people's park centre yesterday after my appointment. Felt better last night and managed to sleep pretty well but now i am having teary eyes again.....

Can't recall when was the last time i fell sick. Must be more than 3yrs ago... if only paul is around, he would definitely know as he used to note down almost every detail(super organised man). I can't help thinking of paul again. I can visualize him bugging me to drink more water and pop some vitamins etc... Life is so uncertain and we must treasure the people around us as we never know what's going to happen next........

Happy New Year!

We had great fellowship with friends at our house to send off 2009 and welcome 2010 together. Had popiah party and it was good to see everyone enjoying themselves.

The "choir" decided to perform again on that night for the benefits of some friends who didn't join us on christmas day. We had a good laugh and they are so sporting....

I remember counting down at the hospital with paul and my family came to visit us on 31 dec 2008. It's amazing how time flies.....

2009 was a sad and challenging year for me and i thank God for my family who had stayed by me. May our Loving Father continue to bless this house and all 105ians with joy, peace, great health and success in career/business/studies and may His Light continue to flow through us so that others can see His Love in this beautiful home and let us be a great living testimony for HIM.

All 105ians(except mum) went to watch "Avatar" yesterday afternoon together with Eric, Joanne, Jeric and Jerica at Marina Sq. It is a very nice show and i must say it's worth watching! It's been a long time since we last watch a movie together as a family. After sitting for almost 3hours, Peter bought us dinner at Yum Cha Gardens.... what a wonderful way to spend new year's day together!

(dinner time!)

(popping time!)

(daniel in his cheeky mood again!)


(let's punish daniel!)

(group photo)

Since today is the last day of 2009, i decided to re-decorate paul's niche. Went with pam to buy some flowers and other stuffs from a christian bookshop at heartland mall. I miss my darling dearly!

On behalf of all 105ians, i would like to wish everyone a healthy, happy, prosperous and spectacular 2010!

Went for medical check up today as required by the insurance company for my new policy. When the doctor took some blood from my left hand for test, i was abit scared and after it was done, i couldn't help thinking of paul again. The amount of blood they drew from him, the needles on his chest, tubes attached thru his nostril into his intestine and stomach, additional tubes to drain fluid from his liver and lung and the bags attached, the ct-scan procedure etc etc etc. He went through so much and he was so amazing as he could withstand so much discomfort and pain and hardly complain about it. I felt very sad when i recalled all those days of sufferings and though i miss my darling dearly, I am thankful that God has taken him home so peacefully and i can feel he is truly happy now as there's no more pain and sufferings for him.....

It is coming to the end of 2009 and i just want to continue to pray for strength, peace, joy, good health and success for all 105ians and may 2010 be a better year for all of us.

Blessed Christmas!

105ians would like to wish all our relatives, friends, colleagues, business associates and all brothers and sisters-in-Christ a very joyous and blessed Christmas!

We want to thank God for providing us great weather last night so that we could enjoy wonderful time and had our dinner with our cousins, uncle and aunties at the patio. It would not be possible if it rained... Praise God for answering our prayers....

We prepared more than 2000 photos from mum's generation's childhood to our phuket trip and it was played on our screen throughout the night while we enjoyed our wine and dinner.... it's fun seeing all our young photos especially when you have to guess who was it.....

I received a bouquet of flowers from patricia and she told me she dreamt of my dear hubby, paul and he told her to bring me a bouquet on christmas eve. It's so sweet of her. Though it's not my favourite flowers, it's still very nice of her to send me the flowers and a gift as afterall it was only a dream and didn't expect her to really do it(maybe paul should hv told her i like lilies, chanel, diamonds.....hahahaha. my dear hubby must be feasting last night and having a party now......)

We took lots of photos and can you guess who's the santa this year?








(bouquet from pat)

(the four gorgeous sisters

no. 2, 3, 7 & 8)

(yummy food)

(delicious log cake)

(mum catching up wz aunty rebecca, aunty violet and uncle yong)

(another great bonding time)

(crazy uncle, crazy niece)

(nice tummy, santa)

(santa with his pretty reindeer)

(santa carrying a "pink" bag???)

(santa with mum and sisters)

(santa wz our generation(where's Gideon?)

(santa with minah and dezy)

(santa wz the youngest generation...now you know who was the santa claus?)

Lily on behalf of 105ians

Today is exactly 2mths paul had gone home with the Lord. I miss him dearly..... Once again i want to thank God for His Love esp for providing us this beautiful home. I just can't imagine what would it be like without my family. They have accompanied me all these while and kept me really occupied...

Pamelia and I spent great time together yesterday from 1-7pm. We had 6-course late lunch at xin cuisine(Holiday Inn-former Glass Hotel) followed by shopping at Wisma Atria and Takashimaya. After walking for many hours, we decided to take a break at Marriott. It was a wonderful time and though the traffic at orchard rd was crazy but i truly enjoyed pam's company.

When we reached home around 7pm, we went shopping again with daniel and maureen to buy more christmas presents.....

I can never forget the good and bad times spent with paul.... i felt guilty about some silly thing i did but i thank God for the beautiful dreams i had and the assurance i got(sorry can't disclose too much here...)

Tomorrow is christmas eve and we are having a party at our home with our close cousins, aunties and uncles... I know it's going to be another great bonding time....

(appetizer)

(prawns and fried fish)

(shark's fins)

(abalone with goose web and veg)
(noodles-their specialty)

(yummy desert-black glutinous rice with yam ice-cream)

(and all these cost.......)

(but thank God we have 1-for-1)

(photos taken at orchard rd)

(finally sat down for some cakes & juices at Marriott)

Today is a special day for our Godson, John Kao. He was commissioned as an Officer today. This afternoon, Daniel & myself were invited to SAFTI MI for John's Commissioning Parade. The atmosphere was awesome. Many young men were commissioned as Officers and we could see that many parents were beaming with pride with their sons' achievement.

We are very proud of John too. Looking at him today, we thank God for His amazing hand upon this wonderful young man. John looked so smart in his uniform. Have not seen him quite a while and he looked really tall and handsome today. Looking at him today made us realise how time flies by so quickly. Recollecting back the day when John was born in 1990 and today he's already 19 years old. God has been so good to John and has been guiding him in every step of his life. We are so thankful to our Heavenly Father.

Congratulations and well done, John. We are very proud of you.

Maureen

Pamelia called Maureen last night and told her that 9 out of 14 of them had food poisoning in China. I hope they are feeling better now and pray that it will not affect their trip as they have yet to go to Hong Kong and Macau. Pam sounded bored and she told Maureen that it's so dirty... Hopefully she and her cousins will learn to be thankful for everything they have after this trip.
We miss her and will continue to pray for journey mercy for all of them.

Daniel, Maureen and i attended the wake of our sister-in-Christ's father last night. He passed on very peacefully at the age of 89. He is so blessed to have very little sufferings as according to her, he only suffered approximately a month or two. He looked very peaceful and pastor Chris conducted the service at the wake and the funeral is going to be at 3.30pm today.

When Pastor Chris shared about heaven and our mansions, no words could describe how beautiful our mansions are going to be. I could visualise how wonderful it is; no more pains and sorrows, no more sicknesses, no more sins, no more terrorists, no more fights, no more hurts, no more wrinkles & fats(sorry, there goes my vanity again) etc etc etc etc.... how wonderful!

During the service, i felt abit emotional at one point when i thought of paul especially how young he was..... but after hearing the sharing, i am so thankful that God took him home. Paul is so privileged to go home early! This world is just a temporary dwelling place for all of us....

I will continue to treasure our beautiful memories and look forward to seeing him again....

Lukewarm Christian

Today Brother Chew continued his sharing about being a lukewarm christian. After hearing his sermon, i felt guilty as God has done so much for me but what about me? What have i done for Him?

He gave an analogy of a relationship between a believer with God and between a husband and wife. During courtship, we are always very enthusiastic and loving but after the couple gets married or dated for awhile, the sparks are slowly dying and we tend to take each other for granted.

It is sooooooooo true! Sometimes we spend so much time on the phone, watching tv, socializing, shopping etc but our devotion time with our Loving Father is so short and rush! I know God has touched and transformed me esp the past 2yrs and i am so thankful to Him for being so gracious and merciful.. Sometimes i just don't feel i deserve it at all!

We must start praying that our lives will be like a river that flows His Love to others and we must not profane His Great Name but instead bring honour and glory to Him. I am not trying to sound spiritual as i do not want to give any heart attack to those who know me; I just want to share my thoughts and feelings. I know i can never do it with my own strength but with God, all things are possible. Amen!

Are you a lukewarm christian? We must get out of our comfort zone! Let's shine for Him!

Last night was the first game of the weekly bowling league of scc and i finally went back to join them. I didn't bowl at all the last season and was happy to see all the regulars, especially the youth bowlers. They seemed to have grown so much though it's only about one year or more i last saw them.

I went to the gym in the afternoon and was shocked to see paul's chart still in the box together with other members who update their regime regularly. Paul's chart was the thickest as he stapled 5sheets together starting from mid 2007. He was a super-organised person and his chart was so detailed. He would tabulate the total distance he jogged for the particular month and his accomplished timing for every session, the nos of sets of other exercises, the weights, etc etc. I studied the chart for a while and noticed he trained really hard prior to the standard chartered marathon in dec 2007. After he was diagnosed with stomach cancer in january 2008, he stopped for about 8mths and the chart continued in sept 2008 and he wrote "come back!" He was not able to jog as much anymore and also the timing was much slower which is understandable since he had gone thru such a major operation and followed by 6 cycles of chemo and 28 sessions of radio-therapy.

I just want to say that I am very proud of paul; his perseverence, discipline, determination and most of all his optimism. He had organised most of the things so well that it makes me feel so helpless at times without him. Well, i just have to learn to adjust now.

Last night was the first night i slept on my own since paul went home on 24 oct as pamelia had gone to the kids' camp to be one of the volunteers. Can't imagine her looking after the kids as she's so kiddish herself. We miss her especially daniel and will pray that she's well and looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow but she will be flying off again the next day to hong kong, macau and china with her dad and mum and also julia's family.

Want to thank all my family members and friends for all the well wishes on my birthday. Had been busy past few days and finally managed to sit down and update the blog again. On the 4th, i celebrated my birthday with my colleagues and had quite a fair bit of drinks at my colleagues' pub at Mel's place(east coast road).

5th was busy dolling up and attended Tong & Jocelyn's wedding dinner, on the 6th, went to church and after that went to drill my bowling ball and had a few games. Thanks to SK for his tips on releasing the ball.

Yesterday I was out almost the whole day. Did a handover of apartment at 10am followed by shopping(pampered myself with new shoes, wallet & key pouch), massage, facial and came home to have dinner for about an hour and left for bowling training wz daniel from 7-1030pm.

When i was at taka, i went to the Chanel shop to repair my bag's buckle and saw one beautiful leather patent bag and tried carrying it. I like both the brown and the black ones. Though it's not a new design, it's sooooooo nice but it's sooooooooooooo expensive...If paul is around, I will bug him to buy but i doubt he would .....

After keeping myself so busy, i still can't help thinking of him. I could feel him telling me what to buy, what not to buy, what to do and what not to do etc etc etc....

(my dream bag!)

(Finally Paul's niche is fully decorated and the photo was up last week. I miss him dearly!)

Someone told me paul is having very good time now and i must not miss him so much but i just can't help it. We spent so much time together and everything i do now, he was part of it. Well, I know he's very well and happy but i guess i need more time.....

Congrats!

We attended Julia's brother and sister-in-law, Dylan & Jocelyn's wedding dinner last night at Merchant Court Hotel. It was a beautiful event and we want to wish them happiness always. May their love for each other continue to blossom!

(Beautiful couple - Mr & Mrs Dylan Lam)

(Proud grandma with her precious grandchildren)

(From Irene's album)

(A rare chance to see all dressed-up!)

(Group photo)

Blessed birthday to Lily

105ians would like to wish Lily a happy and blessed birthday. Lily turns 45 today and we pray that she will continue to be blest in all areas of her life. We thank God for having her as part of our family. She is the one who always brings laughter, fun into our family. Can't imagine what it would be like without her in this family. She has grown tremendously the last few years both spiritually and emotionally. She has blossomed into such a beautiful person and we know that's definitely God at work. Thank you our dear Abba Father.

Have an enjoyable birthday.

love from 105ians

Had been going to the gym on my own twice and met some regulars there and they asked what happened to me and paul as it's been quite sometime since i last saw them. They were shocked to learn he's gone home wz the Lord as they had seen how fit he was as he used to run alot and we visited the gym abt 3-4times per wk prior to his diagnosis and before his relapse.

I kept thinking of paul at the gym; when i saw the treadmill, i couldn't help visualising him running and perspiring profusely... i also could see him carrying weights and pushing himself a step further whenever he could....

He used to tell me the reason why he could be a single-handicapper for golf was his discipline on keeping himself very fit and he had consistently tried to improve himself by going to the driving range, gym and never stopped learning from other golfers and pros(be it theory or practical) as golf had been his favourite sport

When the guys commented "how sad.... he's so young..... only 51!" I felt very sad when i heard that but i know it's not how long you live but how well you had lived! Paul had lived a good and memorable life and i know he's impacted some with his great fighting spirit and had never lost his faith in our Almighty God despite the struggles....

I miss him very much and i will continue to let these beautiful memories live on and I am very proud of my hubby!

Just think about this!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.'

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge..

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

We had italian buffet last night. It was a treat from Daniel, maureen, peter and julia to celebrate my birthday in advance since pamelia is going to be veeeeeeeery busy this coming week. The sashimi and oysters were good but not the pasta... Brownie was very rich, pamelia likes the tarts and chocolate fondue.. I had quite a fair bit of desert(felt so guilty after that.. better go to the gym to shed it off...)

We adjourned to parkway parade to shop for jonathan's shoes for Tong's wedding on saturday and pamelia wanted me to choose a birthday present as she didn't know what to get for me. I chose a KOSE's lip gloss which costs S$35 and she paid happily. That's quite generous of her! As usual, the 2 boys kept saying they "bo lui" and owe first.... I wonder how long they going to owe this time??????

It was another good nite out with my family. Once again, i want to thank God for all of them.

Today is our 3rd anniversary. It's been 3 years we have stayed in this house and praise God that we are still living in harmony and the bond and love for one another gets stronger and this is a great living testimony. I simply love this phrase as it's so meaningful: "A house is made of BRICKS.... but, a home is made of LOVE!"

May God continue to bless this home and all 105ians especially Mum who spent so much time ensuring everyone of us eats well and our well being.

Happy Anniversary to all 105ians! Let's continue to enjoy this home!

h

Praise God

Pastor Chris continued with the series of sermon about "Heaven". He shared about the ultimate marriage; the glorious wedding which not even the most glamorous wedding on earth can ever compare with.

I am excited as we the believers are the bride and the bridegroom is our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ who shed His precious Blood for all at the cross of Calvary. There will be many invited guests who are the saints of God and i don't think any words can express how wonderful it's going to be.

I thank God for His grace and mercies as i know we don't deserve this kind of sacrificial love; a love so true and genuine! The sermon was so relevant especially today is Holy Communion Sunday. I feel so privileged that i can partake the communion and i am thankful for everything He has done for me..

"No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love Him" I corinthians 2: 9

3rd Anniversary Tournament

We celebrated our 3rd anniversary today at the club. This year we had only 2 teams instead of 3 since paul is not with us anymore. The theme we used this year is fruits and the two captains decided on the names "Black Berries" and "Red Apple". I had to split with Pam this year. She joined Daniel & Maureen's team while i joined peter & julia's team. We also invited Mona & Michelle, Nieer & Ailing to join us for the tournament. Mona & Michelle were assigned to Maureen's team which is known as Black Berries while Nieer & Ailing joined our team, Red Apple.

Aunty Jenny was our judge for the karaoke contest. We had 3 events- bowling, karaoke and pool and it was a very close fight and finally Red Apple won.

Bowling was won by Red Apple, Karaoke by Black Berries and finally Red Apple beat Black Berries in Pool and the winning shot was by Nieer.

We had lots of fun and i am sure paul is happy to see us having good bonding time again. I miss him and wish he's here...

(Black Berries' bowlers - 2 late comers missing in the photo: mona & michelle)














(The champion bowlers-Red Apple)

(Red Apple's singers)

(Champion karaoke singers)

(Champion pool player - Nieer)

(Black Berries Team members)

(Champion of 105pvr 3rd anninversary tournament - Red Apple)

(Pamelia presented Aunty Jenny a gift)

(Group photo)

I went to buy some christmas decor with pamelia this afternoon to decorate paul's niche. I put lots of christmas gifts under the tree together with 2 angels. I think the decor is simple and nice and i am sure paul will like it and now I hope the marble slab with his photo and name will be ready before christmas.

Today is exactly one month since paul went home. Time really flies.... I finally went out with eric, jo, jeric and jerica yesterday. They brought me to their regular optical shop at Ang Mo Kio to make another pair of spectacle for myself , jo bought 2 for herself and 1 pair for jerica. They bought me dinner at buckaroo(texan restaurant at sembawang). It was one of paul and my favourite restaurant long time ago. We adjourned to scc for a drink after that and the kids went to the arcade. I enjoyed their company very much and it's good to be able to spend some time with my god children again after soooooooo looooong.

I will start planning friday's activities with pamelia these 2 days since she's not going to school. I don't know how long it will take for me to miss paul less but with God's strength and grace, i know i will be able to move on and live well. In fact i think i am doing fine as long as i keep myself busy. With the festive season approaching, i am sure i will be kept pretty occupied.

Aunty Jenny, Aunty Violet & hubby, Mona, Michelle, Gideon, Nieer & Ailing came over last nite to watch the video and the photos taken at phuket. Mum made bobo-chacha and we ordered popiah and made sushi for dinner. We also had chocolate fondue for desert. Glad to see they enjoyed the food.

There was so much laughter watching the video and photos. Aunty Violet kept saying "so dangerous..." when she saw the para-sailing, atv, paintball, jet-ski events but she could tell that we had lots of fun-esp the water polo and human pyramid games in our own pool. When we told her we are planning a trip to bali during lunar new year and if it's fine with her if the children can't have re-union dinner on the actual day, she was happy to let them join us again and prepared to bring forward the re-union dinner earlier.

Everyone is game for the trip but michelle has to check if the tickets are available online. We also invited them for PVR 3rd anniversary tournament on friday, 27 nov and briefly mentioned the grouping and they seem keen to join us too.

Paul is not around to join us anymore and instead of 3teams, we have to split into 2 this year but at least our team, the black eagle won the tournament last year and it will be remembered as long as we live. I will surely miss my dear hubby during the tournament. His sporty and honest spirit will live on..

Pastor Chris has been sharing about "Heaven" last sunday and today and i could visualise what a wonderful place it is and i am privileged to be a citizen of Heaven and look forward to being with my loved ones there one day.

I saw an old couple in their 70s this morning crossing the road and thought of you again. You promised to look after me until i am old, toothless and fat but you left me so soon.......

Went to the banks this morning as i wanted to close all your accounts but they need the probate. Looks like we have to wait for the court to issue it and according to the lawyer, it may take some time. Anyway, didn't expect so much things to do when one passed on. Thank God that you had been a very organised person as it makes it much easier for me.

I planned to go to the gym today but was held up at the banks for too long and i have promised to go out with Maureen to buy the stuffs for tomorrow. Have to visit the gym next week.

Tomorrow we will be meeting our cousins and aunty jenny for phuket's photo and video viewing and we will be having popiah and sushi for dinner. Pamelia did a wonderful job past 2 nites to compile many photos and made a movie out of them. We are going to Yum Cha gardens for the official opening in the morning. It's Peter's new baby as he's been extremely busy with this new project...

I called Alicia's home this morning and spoke to your mum. She is fine and your sister has kept her occupied with dvd and mj. I am sure she misses you too as she mentioned to Alicia about the "7th day". Told her to take good care of her health. I will make an effort to visit her next week.

I miss you more esp festive season is approaching as i could recall how we used to shop for chrismas gifts for friends and loved ones and how excited you were when you received the presents. Even though we spent christmas at the hospital last year, you were so happy to see my family brought some presents to the hospital on the eve for us to unwrap and when we came home, there were more presents waiting for us in our room.

Darling, i miss you and i know you are definitely happier where you are now and looking very healthy and good. I will try to stay healthy and happy.

Love you!

Finally i went to the gym at scc with jonathan and pamelia this afternoon. Spent slightly more than an hour there. I feel so good now though start feeling some aches at the arm, thigh and calves. The last time i went to the gym with paul was more than 1 yr ago.

I still remember paul wanted to join std chartered marathon last year and shared with dr khoo his wish to participate in the half marathon as he only ran the 10km in 2007 and wanted to challenge himself to see how he fair in the half marathon event.

His last radio-therapy ended around aug 2008 and we started going to the gym minimum 3-4 times a wk to train and he would also run outdoor at least once a wk. He was looking forward to the marathon but unfortunately he couldn't participate when he started to lose weight almost everyday and felt weak around end october 08 and kept throwing out whatever he ate and according to the surgeon, there was already a relapse but unfortunately in paul's case, even the most advanced machine such as the PET-scan couldn't detect the tumour and the cancer cells. Afterall, one should not rely on the machine.

I will always remember our good and bad times spent together and will continue to go to the gym regularly on my own and most probably i will start joining the scc bowling team soon as i know this is what you wanted me to do.

Pam and i decided to put up more christmas decor this afternoon. Though it looks simple but it took us almost 2hrs to decorate it. Any comments? I personally like it as it's different from last year's.

I spent 2008 christmas with Paul in gleneagles hospital as he had his second major operation on 19 dec 2008 and he didn't know about the relapse yet(though doctors had informed us about it after the op but i wanted them to keep from him until the report was officially out in Jan 2009). My family visited us together with Nieer's family on christmas eve and they brought cake, food and our presents. The hospital was pretty quiet on that day as most patients were out on home leave but paul was not fit to go home then.

I will always remember 2008 christmas and treasure them in my heart as i didn't expect that it was going to be my last christmas spent with my dear hubby....

Darling, though you will not be physically by my side on each and every special occasion anymore, i want you to know that you will be missed dearly.

Daniel sabotaged me at the church last evening by asking me to share with everyone my feelings for the phuket trip. I wasn't prepared at all and was nervous.. I mentioned about you during the sharing and i told them that i know you are watching over me every second and interceding for me.

I miss you very much.

I went out with my colleagues last night for a drink at NUSS Guild house. I think the last time i went out wz friends was at least 1yr ago. It was a good gathering and very happy to hear that Nieer is doing extremely well in his real estate sales.

Darling, time really flies and today is already 3wks since you went home with the Lord. I miss you very much esp last night as you had always been by my side everywhere we went and i felt strange without you around.... I had upload the video done by joel, jon and pam on my mobile phone and watch it everyday. Pat and Vivi were watching it last night and we talked so much about you. I will always remember the 3 things you told me not to do....

I told my boss that i will start work after CNY but he wanted me to start earlier. Well, i will think about it, maybe i should go for the course since i heard that it's going to be compulsory next year and take the exams before i start working again???

Went for facial on thursday and felt so good. The beautician gave me a good massage on my back and shoulder. I know you always wanted me to look and feel good and i must start going back to the gym again... Pray that i have the discipline since you are not here to push me to exercise anymore. I will try to do it on my own and remember the routine you taught me. It's definitely different without you by my side but i know i will be fine as you are watching over me and with God's grace, i will live well until we meet again.

Lily

(are you looking for me?)

I was looking at the pictures saved on my handphone this morning and when i saw the vacations i had with paul, i couldn't help visualising what it would be like if he joined us at phuket. I am sure he would definitely enjoy the water sports even though he couldn't swim such as para-sailing, jet-ski, water polo, human pyramids, category games etc etc and could also visualise him scolding those who didn't follow the rules of the game since he's such a serious person even when come to play. He probably would have a round of golf game wz daniel and peter too.

Whenever i recalled how it was like 22yrs ago when dad passed on suddenly, i was devastated for many years and kept blaming God for taking him and didn't realize how much God loves dad as the doctor mentioned that even if they managed to save dad, he would end up bedridden as he had brain haemorrhage. God is so kind to us as dad didn't have any medical insurance and financially we were struggling. He just took dad home without any sufferings..

On the other hand, God had blessed us with this lovely home in aug 2006 and had given me the wisdom and discernment to get the best medical insurance for paul in june 2007. He had also blessed us wz good business in year 2007 before paul was diagnosed so that I was able to spend quality time with paul and stopped work during those period without any financial burden. Though he battled wz cancer for 22mths, the initial 12mths was not difficult for us. We were still able to dine out at our favourite restaurant and managed to have short vacations.

Darling, you told me that i could only miss you for maximum one month and move on, i doubt it's going to be easy as today is already the 18th day without you. It's ok to miss you longer and treasure everything we had in my heart. I can feel your presence most of the time and i do not want to lose this feeling at all. Thank God that i have my family with me and my days are quite occupied. I know you are watching over me every second and i will live my life well until we meet again. In the meantime, you have fun with my dad in heaven...

We arrived Singapore at 10.30pm last night. It was a jam-packed trip. The first batch(11 of us) had 4 full days and the 2nd batch had only 3. It was a fun trip and we had so many activities - para-sailing, jet-ski, water sports(water-polo & water pyramid), indoor games, eating, shopping, massage, etc etc. We were divided into 3 teams to compete in most events and guess which team won?

Food was not that fantastic though but the bonding was definitely good. It was the 1st trip with our cousins and aunty and we got to know one another much better during the trip.

The only set-back was the travelling time from one place to another but overall it was a very good vacation for all of us(oops i hope so....)

The 2 villas we stayed were beautiful esp the 4bedder one and we had our own private pools which we utilised everyday. We even had bbq at our villa so that we could spend more time playing games, eating and drinking together.

(live lobsters)

(pamelia having her tiger prawn)

(mr macho wz the girls)

(day one after para-sailing and jet-ski)

(having fun at own private pool)

(shopping for groceries)

(Paint ball players)

(ATV participants)

(bbq nite)

(team a: the winners)

(team b: the runners-up)

(the losing team: team c)

(men pyramid team having difficulty)

(see how easy the ladies did it)

(last day at the beach)

(on the river taxi)

(group photo at our villa)

(at phuket airport before boarding)

My cousins, aunty jenny and 105ians will be leaving in 2 batches tomorrow and saturday morning to phuket. Am i looking forward to it? I should be very excited as i had wanted to go for a vacation all these while esp when paul was sick and we kept discussing about the places we wanted to go once he is able to but never got a chance to materialize it :(

My feeling now is calm and very different from my past feelings whenever i was leaving for a vacation with paul. When i was packing last night, i missed him so much when i recalled how we used to argue. I used to bring lots of stuffs but he wanted to travel light but the arguments always ended with he giving in to me and let me pack whatever i wanted. This time round, i am only packing my stuffs and the bag looks pretty empty... I also remembered he insisted we packed our jogging shoes wherever we went as he was very disciplined as far as exercise is concerned. He used to tell me that since he loved to eat so much, he had to shed it off by running and he would run 6-8km each time we went to the gym. Whenever i was lazy, he would push me to do it and i felt really good after every visit to the gym.

I know it's going to be a fun trip esp this is the first time we are going wz such a big group and it's aunty jenny's first overseas trip on a plane. It's so sweet of them to organize it and I believe it's going to be an enjoyable vacation and i should be more enthusiastic about it. Well, I am sure paul wants me to enjoy myself and not to miss him so much. I will try and keep the memories in my heart and move on....

Went for evening service yesterday. Had not been to church for more than 9mths ever since paul had the tubes attached to his nostril. I chose to sit on paul's favourite seat. The worship and sermon was good and though paul was not physically by my side, i could feel his presence.

Brother Choean passed me 2 dvd with all the photos taken during the wake and funeral. It is so nice of him. I had posted some photos below.

Daniel, our chief co-ordinator organised bowling and dinner at the club on sat night and all 105ians were present. My family had been keeping me occupied all these while and they have even booked a trip to phuket for 16 of us(including my cousins and aunty jenny). I am so blessed to have all these loved ones with me.

My dear hubby, i will carry on my life on this temporary world doing things you wanted me to do and will always treasure every moment we spent in my heart. I miss and love you!

It would be nice if you can drop a msg either on the tagboard or comment for any 105-ians (:

Thank You !

Love,
105-ians

The original video done by joel, jonathan and pamelia for the funeral service was too large for our blog and pamelia had removed some photos and made some amendments and we finally managed to post it for our friends and relatives to view.

For those who have facebook account, we had posted the original video on facebook two days ago. Let's enjoy this video in remembrance of my dear hubby paul and hope we are able to get some inspiration from him. He was a great fighter who never gave up easily and always stayed cheerful.

I am truly blessed to be able to spend so much time with him esp during his 22mth battle with the sickness. Special thanks to pamelia for all her hard work.

I miss my darling!

It's been almost one week since paul went home peacefully with the Lord. I miss him very much... especially today.

I had been thinking so much about him. Whenever i see the recliner in the room, i recalled how much time he spent sitting and sleeping on it, with the morphine, dormicum, infusion tubes, the terumo pump, the oxygen concentrator etc etc etc by his sides.

I went thru his diary and i am so proud of him that despite the pain he was going thru, his faith remained strong and he was still clinging on to the Lord. You are just amazing, my dear hubby!

My family members had been extremely wonderful by keeping me company. Pam had been sleeping with me since last saturday night. My cousins had organised a short trip to phuket next weekend for 17 of us. I am truly blessed with all these loved ones around me.

I would like to thank my family members - my mum, maureen, daniel, peter, julia, joel, jonathan and pamelia for all they had done. Without them, the wake wouldn't had been so well organised. I don't remember doing anything but everything was so beautifully organised. I must specially thank maureen as i know she had done the most.

Joel, Jonathan and Pamelia made a beautiful and memorable video clips of paul from his childhood upto one week before he passed on and it was played over and over again during the wake and many of his relatives and friends were so touched watching it. His positive spirit is one that is most remarkable. Though i have been with him all these time, i am still very touched by his strength and faith. I have asked Pam and julia to upload the video either on our blog if possible, if not, probably on the facebook.

I know it will take awhile for me to really settle down and re-adjust my life without him by my side. I will try to do the things he wanted me to do when he was well. I will treasure every moment i had with him and take comfort that he's having a good time with the Lord, the angels, my dad, my grandparents and maybe some of his friends and relatives.

Darling, i am jealous of you cos you are having a good time now and i am sure you are having a feast. I will take good care of myself and will remember what you told me before you went into coma on last thursday, 22 oct 2009 at 7am. I will remember our last prayers together as husband and wife and will never forget your warm hands on my cheeks to wipe off my tears, your hugs and your kisses.

I know we will meet again some day and in the meantime i believe you are watching over me and will intercede for me and give me the strength to live my life well.

Daniel, myself and Lily went to Mandai Crematorium Ash Collection Centre this morning to collect the Ashes of Paul. Paul's family went directly to the Centre and we met them there at about 11.30am. After doing the paper work, we were ushered to Room 4. Daniel said a short prayer and followed by that we each picked a piece of the bone to put into the urn. The Casket Company's representative then proceeded to put the rest into the urn and sealed it up. We then left and went to All Saints Home at Poh Huat Road to put the urn in the niche. The niche is in Blk 2A Rm 6 and the niche no is 77.

The last few days have brought back so much memories about Paul. He's only been my brother-in-law for 3 short years but he will always be in my memory. Paul and myself shared a few similar traits - we are both quick-tempered, we both don't like pets and we are very particular with cleanliness and tidiness. But I would like to have his other traits - that is his fighting spirit and unwavering faith in the Lord till the end of his life. He had chosen to focus on the Lord despite the pain and suffering he went through. His endurance of pain was amazing. I know the Lord must have been so real to him for him to look to God throughout the last few years of his journey on earth. Once again, Abba Father we can't thank you enough.

Maureen

Thank you so much, Our Heavenly Father

Last night's memorial service was attended by many friends and relatives. On behalf of the bereaved family, I would like to thank everyone of you for taking time to come.

Eugene (Paul's nephew) and Choean (Church brother) shared in last night's memorial service about Paul. Not only has Paul left a great impression on them, Paul has definitely left a lasting memory and legacy to many of us.

The funeral was held this afternoon. We had a short service at home at about 2.50pm and was followed by prayers for the bereaved family by Pastor Chew Lap Meng. Shortly after that the Cortege left the house. We had a short procession before boarding the buses to Mandai Crematorium. On arrival at Mandai Crematorium, we had a short service at Hall 2. Many of us cried and we are so sad that Paul has left us but we also rejoice with him that he's now in a far better place and that there's no more suffering, no more pain, no more tears. Paul is now in glory land and in the bosom of our Lord. We will all miss Paul dearly but we know we'll meet with him again. God, we are so thankful that you brought Paul to our path and we have been so privileged to have him as part of our family.

Thank you so much, Dear Heavenly Father.

Maureen

.

Wonderful Memorial Service

Many relatives, friends and loved ones came yesterday to the funeral wake. A big thanks to all of you. Your presence had indeed brought comfort to Lily and the family.

Last night at 7.30pm we had our memorial service. We had a good time of worship with a mix of English, Mandarin & Hokkien songs. Pastor Chris Low shared a wonderful message on "Eternal Life". We know the seed has been sown as there were quite a number of friends and relatives that still do not know the Lord.

Tonight we will be having another memorial service at 7.30pm. God has been with us throughout and we are so grateful that we have a Loving Heavenly Father to turn to at all times.

Maureen

Paul had gone home to be with the Lord

Went to the hospital to see Paul yesterday afternoon just before 3 pm. A few friends were there. At about quarter to 4 pm, Lily mentioned that Paul's breathing could hardly be felt. We were at his bedside and Paul's nephew was trying to read his pulse. We could all see that he was really slowly slipping away as the colour of his skin, fingers, face were changing. Daniel tried to read his pulse but couldn't feel it. Called the nurse in to check if Paul had gone home. At about 4pm, it was confirmed that Paul had gone home to be with our Lord.

We are all so sad that Paul has left us but we rejoice knowing that he is now in a better place - no pain, no suffering and in the loving arms of our Lord. Paul had fought a good fight and we are all so proud of him. He will be missed dearly by all of us as well as many of his relatives and friends.

We are so glad to have him as our Brother-in-law. We thank God for having brought him to our family and though it may not have been many years - the few years will definitely be remembered in our hearts forever.

Paul, we will miss you dearly but we'll never forget you and we look forward to meet with you again.


Maureen

Paul has not woken up at all since dr kok started the 2nd line sedation and the phlegm seems much lesser. He looks more comfortable now. I missed his loud and strong voice. I managed to catch some good sleep last night since he didn't need to be purged.

Paul had fever(39.4deg) at about 11pm and the doctor ordered volteran suppository for him. Dr Kok told me they will not start him on any anti-biotic at all. Fever subsided for awhile and when i woke up at 2.30am, i saw the nurses crowding round him and thought something happened to him but was told he was feverish again(38.8). After it subsided, i managed to get some sleep and woke up at 7am.


He definitely looks more comfortable and i know this is his wish - to be heavily sedated until the Lord takes him home so that there's no more pain and sufferings for him.


I asked dr khoo this morning whether he believes there's a miracle and he told me there's miracle everyday. I know it's better for paul to go home and i just have to pray for strength to go on without him by my side.


I miss him so much and when i browsed through some of our photos, i just felt so sad that he's so skinny now. Just want to pose some nice and memorable photos of him.

(2006 in melbourne-just before our wedding)

(our wedding on the boat on 17 sep 2006)

(celebrated our 1st anniversary at the japanese restaurant)

(celebrating paul's 50th birthday on 26mar2008-he just had 2sessions of chemo-therapy but still very fit and positive. He used to say the only difference he feels is the lost of hair and felt abit tired after the therapy)

(2008 dec -before we found out about the relapse but he had been losing weight everyday and even pet-scan and ct-scan couldn't detect the tumour inside his small intestines)

(some friends brought paul a cake on his 51st this year)

(our last vacation - church retreat in april this year. doctor gave the green light for him to go. It was a miracle that with the 2 tubes attached, he was very comfortable during the drive to malacca)

Despite the increase in the dosage of dormicum, paul still woke up almost every one to one and a half hour. Doctor said his tolerance level is extremely high and have decided to use the 2nd line sedation drug(phenobarbitone) to sedate him more since he had so much discomfort during his waking hour. He was semi-awake from 5.30am to 7am and was struggling to get up. His phlegm was causing him lots of discomfort. I had to purge morphine and dormicum almost every half to one hour to try to sedate him so that he won't feel any pain or discomfort. He finally slept at 7.

The nurse used the suction pump to suck out his phlegm which must be really uncomfortable as he was biting the tube. Dr Kok told me there's never a need for him to use the 2nd line sedation with any patients in singapore so far and paul's the 1st case and the pain nurse, sister ng also mentioned that she had never increased the dose of the dormicum to this level before.

I know paul's a very strong man but this is not a good thing since he's suffering so much. Doctor told me that he should be almost fully sedated with both drugs running concurrently now. His heart and lungs are pumping very hard and fast now and dr mentioned that it may be very soon that the heart may just stop and told me to be prepared and the consolation now is that paul will not feel any pain or discomfort anymore.

I asked Dr Khoo if he could still hear us, he told me he may and encouraged me to talk more to him. I had been talking to him alot and hope that he can hear. When he was semi-awake this morning, he asked me can he go ahead and i told him yes and after that he asked to purge dormicum to let him sleep. He had not woken up since.

Paul requested to be heavily sedated yesterday morning as he doesn't want to experience the pain and discomfort anymore and he also asked all the doctors not to prolong his sufferings by giving him the nutrition as he told them he's ready to go home with the Lord.

Doctor had increased the dormicum dose and removed the nutrition yesterday afternoon since that's his wish. Today he's a totally different person. He is not able to stand on his own anymore as he's too weak now and he is slurring all the time. Even with the increase dose, he still woke up almost every 2 hr and i couldn't bear to purge the dormicum to let him sleep, i tried spending more time talking to him. Though he looked drowsy, i know he understands me as he kept giving me nice smiles.

He is so skinny now. It's so painful to see such a big-built and athletic person become so weak. I know God has been good to us in many ways and since He thinks it's better for paul to go home with Him now, let it be but if there's a miracle, then it will be the biggest bonus to us.

I would like to post some photos taken when he was still alert past few days.

(Finally managed to take with his surgeon, Dr Chan Hsiang Sui)

(with paul's mum, sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew)

(with my family)

(with son, ryan)

(with his mum)

There are many other photos taken with friends and relatives who visited him when he was sedated which i don't wish to post here as he looks too sick.

Well, we do not know when will God's will be done but we will continue to pray for peace and strength.

Many friends and relatives came to visit paul past 2days. Paul is happy to see them esp his mum and son. He had spoken to doctors his desire to be sedated at all times as he had done everything and the waking hours are too torturing for him as his pain at his abdomen is getting more severe and doctors believe the tumour has spread to most of his organs. Since they are very sure there will not be any cure for him medically even with the latest chemo drugs as his condition is too critical, we decided not to proceed with anymore tests, scans, x-rays etc etc.

Last 2 nights was not easy for me as i was so worried that he stopped breathing. I know i have to let him go since he's so peaceful and ready now and moreover he's going home with the Lord, no more sufferings. I will let him go, Oh Lord, just take him when the time is right....

Two nights ago, paul was very alert and told me that he's going to say a very important prayer and he needed me to agree with him. I did and his prayer was for God to take him home very soon and if possible by that night itself.

I will definitely miss him dearly. He had given me so many unforgettable memories, he lifted me up when i was down, he gave me the confidence which i lost during my difficult times, i can always be myself with him, we share so many common interests, golf, gym, food, travel, etc. we communicate so much and even though he doesn't bowl, he encouraged me to play the game again and just sat there and watched me. He knows he's temperamental and not many people can accept him and confessed he's not a good person as he's proud, not sensitive to others' feelings and many a times offended people unintentionally. Whatever flaws he has, he's still my dearest and i thank God for him and very proud of him for being such a great fighter and most importantly he doesn't lose faith in God even upto today.

I can feel that the time is very near esp when he told me about the two angels he saw yesterday by his sides, I just pray for strength and peace for me as i see him go home with the Lord. Even now, i am still praying and hoping there's a miracle but i know God knows what's best for His children.

We had a difficult night at hospital last night. Paul was not able to sleep despite the doctor had already increased the base dose. He had total of 7 purges of dormicum and 4 purges of morphine from 8pm to 5am and after every purge, he was able to sleep for only less than an hour. He was restless and frustrated and had fever at 4am. I called dr kok and he asked the nurse to give medication to treat his fever. Finally paul was able to sleep till 830am.

Fever subsided but he was still having some pain at his abdomen. He just complained of discomfort again and asked me to purge dormicum to let him sleep. Morphine was purged earlier but it only relieved the pain for a short while. Now he's asleep and i hope he's comfortable and not feel the pain.

Dr Khoo came this morning and he had the longest chat with paul as far as we can remember. Though paul was not fully awake but his mind is just amazing, extremely alert. He shared with dr khoo that he told God to ask the angels in our room to take him home as he was feeling terrible if it's God's will but it didn't happen and dr khoo told him God has a perfect timing for everything.

I am glad to see there's peace in paul now. Whatever God's will is for him, i pray for strength and patience while we wait on Him.

Paul had cramps at his abdomen at 6am. I purged the morphine for him but it didn't subside and i had to purge another 2 more times within the next hour but the pain got more severe and i called dr khoo and he arranged a nurse to give him a jab right away and also to purge dormicum to let him sleep. Dr Kok came at around 9am to increase his morphine and dormicum's breakthrough and base dose to keep paul as comfortable as possible.


All 3 doctors feel strongly the time is near though paul has been one of their strongest patients and always surprises them but this time round, his tummy is more tense and his urine is abit bloody and there may be leak inside him. His oncologist told me there's not likely to have a cure for him even if there's new chemo drugs as his organs are collapsing and he managed to talk to paul for a very short while when paul woke up and asked if there's anything paul wanted him to do for him and assured paul that they will do whatever they can to ensure he's comfortable.

I am very sad but i know i have to let go if that's God's will for paul. It's better for him to go home with the Lord than having to go thru so much agony everyday.

By surviving thus far is already a great miracle esp paul has been so alert all these while, definitely different from other patients wz his condition. The past 22mths was not easy but we have learnt to treasure each other more and the time we spent is not only quantity but also quality.

Let it be oh God, Your will, not ours be Done!

Amen!

Oct 16 is a date i can never forget. Our pa passed away 22years ago(1987) on this day(actual date was oct 15 but after he arrived at the hospital, the official date on his death cert was oct 16).

I just want to take this opportunity to share my thoughts. Even though it's been 22years since he's gone home with the Lord, Pa's presence is always felt esp on his birthday, father's day as well as today. I know pa's happy where he is now and i'm sure he is happy to see all of us staying harmoniously under one roof. I had been thinking of him since last night and decided to post some past photos.

(beautiful couple)

(family portrait)

(pa wz 3 of us)

(pa was a happy go lucky person)

(Witnessing 1st grandson, joel's dedication-one and a half mths before he passed on at age 43)

Lily

Paul will be admitting after 3pm today. Sister tay called this morning saying the room he wanted will be vacant and she's arranging the ambulance and the necessary appliances required to transport him.

His morphine is running low as there were 5 purges yesterday and already 4 purges today. As for dormicum, 4 yesterday and upto now, another 4 purges today. He needed more purges to relax him and relieve the pain and breathlessness. His cough is getting worse and I truly hope the doctor is able to do something to relieve his discomfort at the hospital.

Everything is in God's Hands and we will continue to pray and trust.

Nurse Liting and May came today to replace the dormicum cassette as it's almost empty. Paul was very restless again yesterday and didn't sleep well. He had total of 3 purges of morphine yesterday and 4 today and also 3 purges of dormicum yesterday and 2 today. Doctor had asked the nurse to increase the base dose so that he's less agitated and more comfortable. I had a chat with his oncologist regarding paul's condition and told him paul would like to be admitted to the hospital if any of those rooms he requested is available. He had been on the waitlist since last thursday and to date all the rooms are still occupied.

We are also very concerned with the transportation from home to hospital as paul is very breathless and just by standing up for a few seconds, he would be grasping for air. He needs oxygen 24hr. He is so fearful that the oxygen concentrator we rented in the house may fail him one day and we rented another one to standby for him so that it doesn't stress him. Should paul go to the hospital, we have to ensure the staffs coming with the ambulance are able to minimise his discomfort and know how to carry him gently from 3rd flr to the ambulance and oxygen must be given at all time.

I know he's feeling terrible everyday and dr khoo had assured me that whatever the doctors are doing - the injections, drugs etc etc are just to make him comfortable and they do not intend to put him thru anymore unneccessary procedures.

As what maureen mentioned, the waiting is extremely trying but what else can we do? God's ways are definitely higher than ours and we believe our prayers are already answered and it's on its way. We just have to continue to endure with God's strength.

Happy Birthday Julia

A very joyous and blessed birthday to you, Julia. We want to wish you good health, loving husband, filial children and may you continue to stay beautiful always. We are blessed to have you in our family and hope this is another memorable birthday for you.

Thought we should share some photos here:

(courtship days)

(beautiful bride)

(young mother)

(family portrait)

(loving couple)

Paul's family came to visit him again yesterday evening. It's so good to see them esp ivy and melissa as it's been a while since we last saw them during cny. i am glad i remember to take a group photo this time as i forgot to take last sun when his mum and ryan were around.

Paul didn't sleep too well again last night and dr kok will be coming over later to see him. They will probably take more blood test and bring more medicine for his phlegm and most probably he will resume his kabiven as he has not had much nutrition for the past one week.

Paul gets agitated and restless easily past few days. I can understand how he feels as he's getting sores on his back and buttock since he's been lying down most of the time esp now that he's so skinny. He is so frustrated that he's not able to find a comfortable position. He accidentally pulled the tube attached to his liver early this morning and I was woken up by his scream. It was very painful for him. His phlegm is also bothering him as he's been coughing lately and for not being able to spit out the phlegm is a very lousy feeling. I am putting him on nebulizer now and hopefully it'll help to soften the phlegm so that he can spit it out to ease his discomfort.

I had to purge dormicum or morphine to let him sleep every night and whenever he feels terrible so that he can rest for 2 to 3hrs and not think of the discomfort. I pray that God will show His will for paul very soon as he's been suffering for so long and no words can express how torturous it is for him. I can only give him the care, love and moral support he needs but it's tormenting to see him in this state.

Despite all these, there are still some good days such as 3nites ago when he managed to sleep thru after i purged the dormicum from 11pm to 8am. Today he managed to take a quick shower. We want to thank God for His grace and mercy. I know it would have been worse if we do not have God. I am also thankful that paul is still clinging on to God and we pray together every night and read His words together as a couple and believe that God's timing for everything is perfect. We just want to continue to pray for strength to endure every circumstances. I know he's in good Hands and we will continue to believe!

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4

Amen

Joel brought her god-daughter, carina over this evening. She is so....adorable. Carina is turning one tomorrow and i think her parents are going to give her a big party...

(wz godpa)

(pam has been promoted to god-aunty.... ha ha.. sounds so funny)

(carina wz godpa & god-aunty)

Nurse Liting came again today as the dormicum's pump was completely empty. She also took some blood for test to see if there's any need to change the nutrition again. Paul also started his 5day course of anti-biotic today.

Pastor Roy and sister Leela came to pray for paul this afternoon. We want to thank them for coming over in such short notice. Paul requested for them this morning and they really made time for him. Truly appreciate it.

Paul didn't sleep too well last night as he was feeling very restless and abit breathless despite he had the oxygen running. He's resting now and had been dozing off most of the time after they left and i pray that he will be able to rest well and will not feel any discomfort or pain.

Dr Kok will be coming over tomorrow to see him again. We just have to continue to pray for peace, joy and strength.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
I Timothy 1:7

Paul was behaving strangely last night and this morning. He was so restless and agitated. One moment he wanted the fan to blow at him, next moment asked to remove it. Then insisted on getting out of the room, wanted to be admitted to hospital or go down to 2nd floor, then wanted to rest at the recliner, then bed etc etc... I just didn't know how to handle it anymore and i was so tired and worn-out and i called and sms dr khoo and dr kok. Dr Kok told me to calm him down by purging the dormicum. It's not easy to purge either dormicum or morphine as paul is always very reluctant to do it as he is worried about being addicted to it. Finally, after lots of convincing and some struggle, paul agreed to let me purge for him and he managed to sleep.

Dr Kok came with Liting around 3pm. I am glad they came as dr kok explained to him the need to purge the drugs to relieve all his discomfort and pain and in paul's condition, he should rest as much as possible. I can see he's weakening every day and I am sad if he leaves me but it's so torturing for him to live in this condition. He's fighting so hard....

Oh God, I know not everyone will be healed but I still hope and pray that paul can be miraculously healed. Whatever it is,You know what's best for all of us. May Thy Will Be Done!

Paul's blood test results shows his bilirubin(liver) has gone higher from 114 to 160, his potassium and protein are low and doctor is giving him albumin to increase his protein and potassium to be injected into his dextrose saline from today for 3days.

He felt some pain at 325am and purged the morphine once to relieve it. This morning, around 1030am he felt restless and lousy and I spoke to dr kok and he asked me to give him anti-nausea(zofran) iv injection. Paul was better for about 45mins but felt terrible again. Dr Kok suggested to purge dormicum so that it can calm him down and let him sleep for awhile.
He had been sleeping on and off since then.

I can see that he's deteriorating as his organs seem to be failing and it's very sad to see him in this state. I am so glad to have some friends over to have fellowship with him and the sharing was good. Whatever it is, we will continue to pray that paul has the peace and joy and may God's Will be done for him soon.

We had lots of visitors yesterday. Paul's family members and church brothers and sisters. Pastor Chris gave us holy communion at home and prayed for paul. Paul was very yellow yesterday and his jaundice seems worse than before. Dr Kok came twice yesterday, 1st to check on paul and in the evening, he came with another pump which contains dormicum and haloperidol. Now paul is having two pumps which gives him continuous low dosage of morphine and the two new drugs. Should paul experience more pain or breathlessness, he has the option to purge the morphine which will give additional 7.5ml per purge. As for the dormicum and haloperidol, doctor's advice is to purge only when paul feels agitated, restless or when the morphine doesn't ease the breathlessness. Dr Kok came with Liting this morning to check on paul again and also to take some blood for test to see if there's any improvement after they changed his nutrition and to give him a jab to increase his red blood count.

I was so sad yesterday as i thought he was leaving me as he was in so much discomfort and I had to purge 7times of morphine before he finally felt better around 130pm. After paul was much better, he shared with me he had made some recollection of his life and he's thankful that his life has been more than satisfactory and rated it 8 out of 10. I am happy to see him well again and know he's not fearful anymore and has the peace which is very important and I thank God for preserving him again.

Dr Kok told paul that he really surprises the doctors as most patients would have gone into coma or just leave this world in that state but paul bounced back and still quite alert and managed to communicate as normal again.

His mum insisted on seeing him yesterday and we were quite concerned that she may not be able to see him since there's no way that paul could go downstairs and his mum would have difficulty coming to our bedroom on 3rd floor. Thank God she managed to make it with some help and felt breathless for almost 15mins when she reached our room. I could see that she was happy to see paul and the family chatted for almost 2hours.

Paul slept very well last night with the new drug and didn't need to purge at all. Aunty Violet, aunty jenny, gideon and nieer came this morning with mum's cell group leader to visit and pray for paul. We are having some friends coming over later this afternoon. We are indeed very blessed to have so many friends and relatives praying for paul. Though physically he is very weak but we will continue to pray and believe God will provide the best path for paul.

Paul was feeling extremely breathless despite having the oxygen running continuously this morning at around 730am. He had not been feeling too good the past 3days as it seems his breathlessness is getting worse. He told me that he just felt he is leaving this world every time he experiences this sudden attack and today is the 3rd time he's feeling it.

I called Dr Khoo this morning as paul was in cold sweat and grasping for air and very agitated. Dr Khoo told me to purge the morphine for him every half an hour until he is stabilised and also to give him 2 valves of steroid injections and monitor his parameters every hour. At around 12pm, Paul started to feel lousy again; retching and restless and Dr Khoo told me to give him 2valves of sleeping medication and anti-nausea injection. Paul managed to dose off for about an hour after that.

Dr Khoo believes the sudden breathlessness is caused by the clot at the lung which unfortunately can't be treated at this moment. Hopefully with the injections, morphine etc, it can help to ease paul's discomfort.

Dr Kok just called and he will be coming over later this afternoon to top-up the morphine and also may install another pump which is supposed to relax paul and help to ease his breathlessness.

Paul is much better now except abit drowsy due to the morphine.

I pray that God will carry him through all these and give him strength, peace and joy and remove all fear and anxiety.

Liting took some blood for test again yesterday and dr kok just called me this morning to let me know the results. It shows that paul's sodium is on the low side but his jaundice marker had gone up quite alot. The oncologist wants to change his nutrition and monitor for the next 5 days. I will pick up the dextrose saline later from the clinic. Paul has to stop the kabiven for a while.

Though he slept slightly better last night but he still felt nausea and some discomfort.

He may have to go back to the hospital next week to check on the fluid in both his lungs again since he's been feeling breathless.

Dr Kok and nurse Liting came this afternoon to replace new morphine cassette for paul. I spoke to the oncologist yesterday about paul's condition. He had been vomitting and could hardly sleep every night and he's feeling quite weak. He asked me to give him some sedation and continue with the anti-nausea injections every 6hourly instead of 8hourly. He also asked about the discharge from his tummy and when he learnt that paul had not had any discharge in the past 2-3days he told me that's not a good sign as there may be some blockage in the small intestines and that may cause the discomfort, pain and nausea. I thought it's good that there's no discharge and was shocked to hear that. I checked with the surgeon and he asked me to get paul to stretch and walk more as by exercising, the flow may come back but how to? Paul's so weak now and he pants even with short distance????

Unfortunately the oxygen concentrator was faulty last night and I think paul felt abit breathless and it affected his sleep and he had low grade fever again last night. Dr Kok suggested that paul should continue to use the oxygen concentrator regularly whether he needs it or not as it would definitely help him in his sleep and to purge the morphine whenever he needs it as I told him paul is very cautious about purging it.

He had vomitted thrice today and seeing him suffer everyday is very demoralising but whatever it is, we will continue to pray for him without ceasing.

Paul had not been sleeping very well since his discharge on 25sep, friday. He just finished his last dose of anti-biotic last night. Had low-grade fever and felt nausea most of the time. He had some pain at the abdomen area and had to purge the morphine twice at 11pm and 6am. He also vomitted twice, it was very gassy. I will speak to the doctor later to see if there's any other medication for him as it seems that the iv injection(zofran) given didn't ease much.

His breathlessness is not as bad as before as he didn't need to use the oxygen concentrator at all yesterday. Praise God!

(Paul with Dr Khoo Kei Siong(his oncologist))

(Paul with Dr Kok Jaan Yang(Pain management-palliative care consultant))

Paul will be going home today! Praise God! He will be going down to the radiology department soon to remove the left tube attached to the lung as doctor is worried about infections. After removing the tube, they need to do another x-ray.

We slept better last night even though there was some discomfort at his abdomen area. He is getting very lethargic and we are looking forward to going home asap.

Dr Kok and nurse Liting will be coming over to our house twice a week to replace the pump and check on him. I will also be administering the anti-biotic thrice a day for the next 3days at home.

Once again, thank you for all your prayers. We will persevere, pray, believe and trust!

Paul's right tube which was attached to his right lung was removed today. The left one is still there as there's still some fluid draining but it's been sealed temporary to prevent air from going in. They may take another xray a week later to check on the fluid or earlier if paul feels breathless.

Paul's haemoglobin was only 8.7 and he's having blood transfusion now. Doctor had ordered 2 pkts of blood which was delivered at 4pm today. He was having fever again yesterday and doctor had ordered blood culture test to see if there's any infections since there are so many foreign body(tubes) inside him. They also started paul on anti-biotic this morning.

Though the pain is better control now as he hardly purged any morphine past few days but he's still feeling very weak and there's still discomfort at the abdomen area.

The results for the lab test for the right lung was out and unfortunately, there's tumour found at the right lung too. After few days of sucking the air from both lungs by the machine(Gomco), there's some improvement but according to the oncologist, there's still some air inside both lungs which can't be sucked out and he had stopped the machine at 12am this morning. Chemo drug can't be injected as it may worsen since there's still air in both lungs.

We really do not know what is the next course of action as it seems medically nothing much can be done. Paul is getting very tired and weak and he told me he felt he was leaving me on saturday night when he was restless and agitated. He said the feeling was so strong that he thought he was not able to make it anymore. I thank God for preserving him once again and I feel very sad to see him suffer so much and I just pray that God will show His Will for paul asap. I just want to pray for peace, joy, faith, strength, patience and self-control for paul.

The oncologist had ordered another Gomco(machine that sucks out air from the lung-see picture below) for paul's other lung and now there are two Gomco pumping and the room is so noisy.. it's like construction going on. I wasn't able to sleep well last night when there was only 1 machine running and now doctor has ordered two but thank God he told the nurse to turn them off at 3am as he wants to send paul for another chest x-ray tomorrow to see the progress.

After the base dose of morphine was reduced to 2.5ml/hr, paul is not as dreamy and hopefully the pain will not increase so that doctor can slowly reduce the base dose further.

Surgeon wants paul to exercise the deep breathing with the apparatus(Respiflo) and paul's doing it regularly but his breathing is still quite shallow and he feels the pain at the abdomen whenever he does the exercise.

(Gomco)

(paul's exercising his lung with respiflo. the 2 gomco at both his left and right side are pumping constantly to suck out the air)

Doctor sent paul for another chest x-ray & ct-scan yesterday to check if the air inside both lungs are lesser. It shows that it's been much lesser and now the right side has approx 10-15% and the left side is 15%. They will be transferring the bottle from the right to the left side to suck out the air today.

It also shows paul's lungs are not expanding well and he needs to do more deep breathing exercise. Hopefully by doing that regularly, the gap between the muscles and the wall can be closed up or else the fluid will continue to accumulate and the chemo drugs can't be inserted as it will flow out again.

All these are due to lack of nutritions as paul has not eaten for 9mths or more and he's only having nutrition thru the bloodstreams now.

Last night was another dramatic night for us as paul was very agitated again around 7pm and he was suffering from sharp pain every now and then and despite purging the morphine, the pain didn't subside and he was in cold sweat and feverish. His temperature was 38.7deg. I called the pain management doctor and he asked the nurse to give paul medicine to calm him down and also to bring down the fever.

He was so restless and agitated and asked me to turn off the tv and was feeling very fearful and kept praying. I felt so helpless and prayed with him and thank God after about half an hour later, the medicine finally took effect and he managed to sleep for an hour.

He woke up at around 9.30pm and felt better after that. At around 1030pm, i requested for sleeping medication to let him rest and finally he slept pretty well after that.

We woke up at 7am when the doctor came to check on him and paul managed to sleep again until almost 10am.

I requested to reduce the base dose of the morphine as he has been talking alot in his sleep and jerking more than before. Dr Kok agreed and he adjusted the base dose this morning and hopefully it's better for paul.

Chest x-ray shows there's air inside both paul's left and right lung esp the right side and the nurse had placed a huge bottle yesterday to suck out the air and it may take a couple of days to completely suck out the air and there's still some fluid flowing out from both lungs.

Looks like we have to spend hari raya at the hospital too. We want to thank aunty jenny, aunty violet, nieer, ailing and mona for their gifts for our anniversary. It is indeed very thoughtful of them. Maureen also bought us my favourite cheese cake. We were surprised to receive the gifts which are really nice and thanks for remembering! We also want to thank all the sms(es) we received. Afterall our 3rd anniversary is indeed more memorable than the previous ones.

Here are some photos taken:-

Happy & Blessed Anniversary to Paul & Lily

Today is Paul & Lily's 3rd wedding anniversary. Three years of married life may seem short to many of us. I personally feel that their 3 years will probably be equivalent to many many more years for many of us, married couples. Their journey together had not been easy especially for the last 20 months. Their love for each other has grown so much and deeper and its so evident for all of us to see. The bond that binds them together is so strong. God's grace is shown in their marriage.

We just want to let Paul & Lily know that they are constantly in the thoughts and prayers of many of us - not just the 105ians but in many friends and relatives as well. We will continue to uplift them everyday in our prayer life. We know God has been with them and will continue to do so. We believe in an Amazing, Loving, Wonderful, Heavenly Father who will never leave or forsake His children.

Happy & Blessed Anniversary to Paul & Lily.

Love,

105ians

Today is our 3rd anniversary but we have to spend it at the hospital.... how sad! Well, the priority is paul gets well soon. Though no vacation and candlelight dinner, at least we still have each other's company. We will continue to be patient and wait......

We didn't sleep very well last night as paul had some discomfort and pain. He purged twice. oncologist and surgeon came this morning and they will send paul for chest x-ray to confirm that the fluid has been drained thoroughly before the chemo drug can be administered thru his left tube into his lung to treat the cancer cells.

The oncologist took some specimen from paul's right lung for tumour test as there's tumour found at the surface of his left lung and the oncologist told us this morning that he will give a dose of the chemo drug into the left lung thru the tube to treat the area after the fluid is completely drained.

Total amount of fluid drained from both lungs upto now is 3litres and paul had lost more than 5kg in 1 day. He weighed 63kg yesterday and only 57.8kg today.

Overall Paul's feeling much better today; his oxygen level has gone up from 87 to 96 which is a huge improvement as he was breathless by just standing up for 5mins before this procedure but now he is able to walk 4 rounds without much difficulty about half an hour ago. Praise God!

I believe last night was one of the best night for him as he managed to sleep very well despite having slight fever and at last i had a good sleep too.

We want to give thanks for every slight improvement and will continue to pray and believe God will provide the best for him.

Paul was admitted at 1130am this morning. He had ultra-sound around 230pm and doctor told me that there were around 1-1.5lit of fluid on both his left and right lung. After discussing with his oncologist, doctor lin arranged for an anaesthetist to sedate him so that he could start the procedure which is to insert tubes into paul's both lungs.

The whole procedure took about an hour. His left lung's fluid is abit bloody whereas the right side looks normal.. I will check with the doctor the cause later when he comes for his round. Paul has 2 more tubes attached to his body now and hopefully it's only for a couple of days to drain out the fluid so that he's not so breathless. If the fluid doesn't accumulate fast, the tubes should be able to be removed.

He has been in so much pain and discomfort for the past 3-4days and i feel so helpless seeing him in this state. He couldn't sleep in the night and had to sit up most of the time. I pray that he's able to sleep after this and no more surgery, procedure etc etc for him. He has gone thru enough of all these, it's time we see rainbow please!

Paul's breathlessness is getting worse and the oncologist would like him to be admitted asap to drain out the fluid in his lung and they will also standby 2 pkts of blood for transfusion if his haemoglobin is too low. It seems that his pain is not localised anymore. He had sharp and persistent pain at his lower abdomen and he is trying not to purge too often as he's talking too much to himself which he finds very uncomfortable even though this is one of the side effects of morphine. His pain score has also increased. He had not been able to sleep well in the night as he feels more pain and breathlessness whenever he lies down.

Most probably he will be admitted tomorrow. The nurse is trying to arrange for the room he requested.

Will update again.

Today is our favourite aunt's birthday. Happy birthday aunty jenny! We want to take this opportunity to thank her for her love and care for all of us. She is someone most of us(including our cousins) turn to whenever we have problems. We thank God for giving us such a great person in our family. Her faithfulness and devotion to God is something we must learn.

We had a small celebrations for her yesterday at our home. Hope she had a great time. It's always nice to have her around.

(specially prepared salmon, unagi and california sushi)

(aunty jenny and paul)

(aunty jenny and Ailing-it's also Ailing's birthday today. Blessed birthday fm 105ians)

(aunty jenny with nieces and nephews)

(ee ma wz grand nephews and nieces)

(birthday cake from joel, jonathan and pamelia)

(Happy and Blessed birthday to world's greatest aunt!)

Lots of lov, hugs and kisses from all 105ians

Dr Kok came with sister tay yesterday to replace new morphine cassette and took more blood test again. Paul had the most purge yesterday-5times as his pain was more frequent and it moves between his chest and the abdomen. I spoke to his oncologist and he mentioned that though the last blood test results was similar to the previous one, paul's haemoglobin was slightly low and he feels that paul may need blood transfusion again and at the same time do another ultra-sound at the lung area to check on the fluid level as paul's feeling more breathless than before. The decision would base on the blood test results.

Thank God that his haemoglobin has increased from 7.4 to 9.7 and there's no need for any blood transfusion. We have to continue to monitor his breathlessness and use the oxygen concentrator more frequently. Paul didn't sleep very well last night and he tried not to purge the morphine even though there were some pain. He purged once at 11pm and this morning.

Dr Kok just called this morning and told me if there's a need, he may have to increase the base dose of the morphine again.

Overall paul has done very well, much better than doctor's expectations! Praise God!

sushi making

Pam and I decided to try making sushi for 105ians to try yesterday. It wasn't too bad afterall but the maids must be very mad at us for messing up the kitchen....

(pam's work-can you see a smiling face?)

(beginner at work)

(clumsy hand!)



(salmon cum crab-stick sushi)


(not bad?)

This is Daniel's favourite song. Hope you enjoy it as much as he does!

Have a blessed weekend.

105ians

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EBSvFlBoIs

Dr Kok came on thurs and fri. He top up the morphine cassette and increased the base dose since paul had been experiencing more pain past fews days and had to purge more often. After the adjustment, Paul seems to talk more to himself esp when he sleeps. I told dr kok about it and he came back on fri to take some blood for test to check on his sugar, calcium etc. Results came out last evening and it was the same as before. We just have to monitor and see if there's any other unusual behavior.

Paul had some pain at midnight and this morning. His pain seems to travel between his higher and lower abdomen and occassionally near his liver. His breathlessness is also bothering him abit. He needs the oxygen concentrator most of the time. Doctor thinks he may need to be admitted to drain the fluid from his left lung completely so that he's not so breathless but we are not prepared to do that unless it is absolutely necessary as past records showed paul tends to get worse and very sick whenever he is in hospital.

Today Pastor Chris and Sister Jenny will be coming over to pray for paul and also to give him the Holy Communion.

Brother Frankie brought Elma(fm philippine) and Jonathan over to our house yesterday to minister to us in songs and prayers. The fellowship was good and i was very touched by the sharing esp from Elma; what she and her husband had gone thru in the past 10years with her son's conditions which brought them to Christ and also Frankie's words from the Lord for Paul.

It's definitely not easy to just sit, be still and wait on the Lord. How many people can do it? I am sure for those who can, they will enjoy their quiet moments with the Lord. Most of us just browse thru the Bible and say a short prayer everyday and think that we have done our duties.... I hope to be able to do more than just rushing thru the short quiet moment I spent with Our Father everyday!

Below are two verses shared by Frankie which i believe it's so relevant to all of us if we read them carefully:-

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Dr Kok and the staff nurse came over to our house this morning to check on paul and also to replace new morphine cassette and took more blood for test. Paul had been purging more morphine past few days as he had been experiencing more frequent pain than before. His blood test results was out after 2hrs and it shows everything was similar as before except that the protein level is slightly low but there's no need to give him albumin unless there's sign of water retention. Most importantly, there's no sign of infections. Praise God.

Some brothers and sisters from SOLF came over last night to visit him and we were told that during their prayer meeting on last thursday, the pastor and members were praying for paul for a long time. Thank God for all their prayers. We just have to continue to pray and believe.

Paul had been wanting a haircut for quite some time and finally daniel did it for him today. I was Daniel's assistant and i think we did a decent job though pamelia was complaining that we took too long, almost half an hour. She said it should be less than 10mins. Hello pam pam, we are not pro ok... not too bad right? let's see:-

(two hairstylists at work)

(final touchup)

(Sir, hope you are happy wz your new haircut)

peter's birthday celebrations

We had belated birthday celebrations for peter yesterday as he had been so busy past few days entertaining his overseas associates, golfing, dinner etc etc...

(wz his darling wife and grown-up children)

(yummy mango cake.. only 1 candle? looks like guys also don't like to review their age after one passes 40?)

(Our residence guitarist, daniel... hey, why you look so serious? relax man, it's birthday song!)

Paul is still feeling weak and had not gone down to the living room since his discharge on 21 aug. He spends most of his afternoon on 2nd floor's family area. His tummy had also given him slight discomfort past 2-3days and he had to purge morphine to relieve the pain and discomfort.

Staff nurse Liting came over to replace new morphine cassette for him. She told us the overall bloodtest results was better than before. Praise God.

I know physically paul seems weaker but spirit wise, he's still pretty positive. We just have to continue to pray for painfree days for him and may God gives the doctors /scientists wisdom as they are experimenting some new drugs for cancer patients and hopefully something suitable for him will arrive very soon.

Happy Birthday Peter

105ians want to wish our dear Peter a very happy 46th birthday. We are so blest to have you in our family. On this very special day, we want to bless you with the fruits of the spirit; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

May our Almighty God continue to shower His blessings on you in all areas of your life. We will see you tonight after your romantic dinner with Julia.

Here are your gifts from us:

(a special outfit for keen golfer from daniel & maureen, paul & lily. hope you will break 80 wearing it)

(casual pants from your princess)

Are you able to guess who are the 2 models?

Hey, what about the two sons?? We will know what they are giving to their dad soon.

The lab report of paul's lung's fluid which the oncologist drained from his left lung a wk ago was out yesterday, unfortunately, it shows positive. According to the oncologist, tumour had spread to the surface of his lung and if paul continues to feel breathless, he may need to do another x-ray or ultra sound to see if there's more fluid accumulated since his discharge on 21 aug. If yes, the radiologist may have to insert another tube to drain out the fluid completely before the doctor can treat that area with chemo drugs.

It is indeed another sad news for us but to me, paul had already gone thru the worst; 2 major surgery, 11 cycles of weekly chemo-therapy, multiple minor procedures to insert and remove tubes from his body, had several infections of which, couple of them was so critical that i almost lost him, severe pain at his abdomen and chest, abnormal heartbeat, blood transfusion, multiple injections for pain and caused hallucination etc etc etc....

God has preserved him through all these encounter and he had surprised the surgeon, the pain management doctor and the oncologist by pulling thru miraculously and most importantly, he's still as alert as before. I know he's a fighter but without God's divine intervention, it's impossible for one to be able to withstand so much.

The seen evidence are very demoralising but we know that everyday is a bonus to us and we just have to continue to pray and believe God will provide the best for him.

"... because God has said,
Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you." Hebrews 13:5b

Dr Kok(pain management doctor) and sister Liting came over to our house yesterday afternoon to check on paul's condition and at the same time, replaced new morphine cassette and took some blood for test. The morphine pump has to be replaced every 3-4days depending on paul's dosage required. He had finished his 3day course of anti-biotic and albumin. We would have to wait for the results of the bloodtest to see if there's any improvement in his protein level and other area.

Paul had not been able to sleep well as he feels breathless whenever he lies down. He doesn't like the oxygen concentrator as it's quite noisy. Dr Kok took his oxygen reading yesterday and it was between 87-89 and it's too low and he advised paul to have the oxygen intake regularly. Well, we will try to give him in the day until his bedtime and see if that helps. Dr Kok suggested renting hospital bed for him so that he can adjust the position which is most comfortable for him.

Paul had not gone to the living room past few days as he's still abit weak and spent his time in the family area on 2nd floor instead.

As far as pain is concerned, it's very much under control since his discharge on 21 Aug. Praise God.

We will continue to pray.

It's so good to be home again. Though Paul didn't feel too good last night; nausea and breathless, didn't sleep very well but he's happy to be home. We had a visitor from my mum's church yesterday afternoon, a very bubbly, energetic and positive mother of five young children. She shared some experiences she witnessed at the miracle services in manila and singapore and saw how God heals many people esp the ones who are truly desperate. We are truly blessed with so many caring brothers and sisters-in-christ praying for paul. We just have to continue to believe!

We have also rented a oxygen concentrator for paul as he feels breathless esp in the night. He needs to have another 3day course of anti-biotic at home together with albumin to bring up his protein level.

preparation to go home

It's been a long 17 days stay at the hospital. Whilst majority of the ailments for my stay has been addressed,
I want to continue to give praise to our almighty God for preserving my life thus far. I must admit that
without God's presence, I will never have the strength to fight this battle alone. Coupled with the unceasing
support of my lovely wife, closed family and friends' constant prayers, this would not be possible.

I am fully aware that medically there's no cure for this sickness until new drugs are out in the market, it would be a miracle that I am healed. I know that if God wants to heal me, I will be healed!

Whatever it is, may God's Will B Done!

Paul

Paul managed to sleep pretty well last night. Praise God! The minor procedure done by the oncologist yesterday-the drainage of the fluid from his left lung was smooth though there was some pain. The volume drained was about 1.1 to 1.2litre.

Paul had some fever during blood transfusion and though it's subsided, doctors feel that he should stay for another day or two to have additional dose of anti-biotic and be monitored before going home. They had also given him a jab to let him pass out more urine and to reduce the water retention in his body.

We are so thankful that paul's feeling much better now. Praise God for His Grace and Mercy. We will continue to pray for complete healing. We will also learn to be still, let go and let God!

The tube inserted by the radiologist into the small intestine was removed yesterday by the surgeon. Bloodtest result was out and it shows paul's protein and red blood cells are very low and the oncologist had given paul two bottle of albumin and a jab yesterday. He had also ordered two pkts of blood for paul today and he's also concerned that paul's passing too little urine. He will increase his nutrition today and will give more albumin to increase his protein level.

Paul didn't have much pain last night since the dosage of the continuous infusion of morphine was increased from 2ml per hr to 2.5ml but he didn't sleep very well as he was feeling breathless frequently despite having the oxygen. He had decided to go ahead to let the doctor drain the fluid from his lung today, hopefully there's no need to attach any tube! Doctor mentioned that if the quantity is not too much, there's no need to attach a tube to drain the fluid.

Paul managed to walk one round yesterday. Praise God! His weight has also increased from 56.4 to 66kg. Though it may be water retention, it's good to see him more meaty than when he was admitted on 4 aug. He's getting very lethargic and can't wait to go home. His back is sore and he's feeling very restless. We talked last night and we know that we must give thanks for every small improvement and not take things for granted. Though all seen evidence are not very encouraging but the most important thing right now is that he is painfree and alert.

We just have to continue to pray and let God's Will Be Done!

There was some pain in the night and paul needed purging of morphine at 12, 2, 4 & 7am. Tummy is not as swollen now. They will take another bloodtest today and if everything remains fine, doctor is targetting to discharge him on Wed or Thurs.

Paul had been having difficulty in breathing and ct scan did show some collection of fluid outside both his lungs, esp the left lung. Doctor wanted to drain out the fluid with a needle today and send it for biopsy to see if there's any tumour and if after doing that, there's still collection of fluid, he may need another bag to drain the fluid. paul had gone thru so many surgery and he's so fearful and told the doctor to give him time to consider if he wants to go thru this. He just can't imagine more tube attached to his body.

Surgeon will be removing the tube which the radiologist attached on 14 aug thru his small intestine and he will let paul decide when he is ready for it.

This is definitely a very long and trying battle. We thank God for the strength to go thru this. We do not know how long more we have to fight this battle. We just want to believe and not lose faith.

Amen!

The ct-scan paul did two days ago showed there's a hole in the small intestine caused by the tumour piercing thru it and the fluid from the small intestine had flowed out thru the hole and caused the swell and collection and that's the reason why the tummy is so big. After some discussions among the oncologist, surgeon and the radiologist, they decided on using a safer and less pain method to drain out the fluid instead of proceed with surgery. During the procedure, radiologist managed to remove lots of pus under the skin and he said the area was badly infected. He placed a tube inside the hole and drain out the fluid. After the procedure he told us it may not work as the pus and fluid are very thick and the hole is bigger than the tube thus there may be fluid flowing from the space. He also mentioned that the other parts of the small intestines don't look good too and he is concerned that tumour may cause holes in other parts of the small intestines in future. Doctors decided that paul will not be having anything inside the small intestines from then on.

Yesterday morning, paul had severe pain and despite regular purging of morphine, the pain didn't subside. all the 3 doctors came to check on the abdomen and it actually didn't get better and it looked as though the fluid was going to force thru any moment. Surgery was arranged at 12pm to cut a hole to remove the pus and the fluid.

I waited for almost 2 hours outside the operating theatre and finally the surgeon came out to tell me everything's ok but the pus is very hard. He tried to remove whatever he could and had placed a bag outside the hole to drain the fluid. Though there were some pain but overall paul felt much better than before the surgery. Praise God.

Though it was another hurdle for paul but we just want to continue to stay strong and focus. God's grace and mercy is with paul and we truly hope things will be better from now on.

I have attached some photos here as requested by some friends.

(taken on 14 aug before ct-scan)

(taken on 15aug before the operation)

(Paul was still very positive before he was wheeled in to the operating theatre on 15 aug at 1150am)

Paul's tummy suddenly became very big, red and hard yesterday. It wasn't painful and we only found out when i was going to apply some oil for him and was shocked to see the size; it's like the size of a 3-4mth old pregnant woman's tummy.

I called the oncologist right away and after he saw it, he said he had to arrange the surgeon to take a look. The surgeon came this morning and told us he needs paul to go for another ct-scan as he fears it may be the cause of the tumour pushing thru the small intestines and causing a hole and there's collection of fluid in the intestines. I questioned why the previous ct-scan done on 11 aug showed nothing except for the distension of the intestines? He said it could be it happened only yesterday and he said it's a matter of time if the tumour grows and if ct-scan confirms this, paul most probably have to go for another minor surgery to drain the fluid and he may have to carry another bag outside his tummy.

We are saddened with the news; just when we thought things were better yesterday as his pain was better controlled and he's used to ketamine, no more hallucination and he was chatting so well with my colleagues and pastor and pastor's wife yesterday, so alert and spirit was high but now we have to receive news that really dampen our spirits.

Oh God, please do not let paul suffer more pain. Your Word says You will not let your children suffer beyond what we can bear and i believe in You. You have preserved him so many times and i know You will provide the best for your children. No one loves him more that You. I don't understand why but i choose to believe in You!

ct scan showed there's no leak in the abdomen which the oncologist was concerned. Thank God for that. We managed to have a better rest last night though not a completely smooth one as he had some discomfort on and off.

I want to thank God for preserving paul once again. He was able to sit up this morning to read newspaper and took a good shower(with assistance). We just have to take one day at a time and continue to believe and not give up.

Doctor is concerned with his fever and blood test was taken yesterday to check his liver and kidney function as he's slightly yellow now. Most probably he can only go home next week provided his pain is controlled and fever is completely subsided.

Paul wants me to thank all visitors on his behalf and he was very glad to see so many friends and relatives esp his mum and son. He is a fighter and will continue to fight with God's grace, mercy and strength.

It was another extremely difficult night for us at the hospital last nite. Paul had been having some pain occasionally in the day since doctor reduced his drug to half the dose as the day before. Though he was more alert but could feel the pain more regularly. I had to ask for pain relief for him whenever there was pain. It got worse in the night, started around 7pm, he had to be given morphine more often, almost every hour. I tried not to request for the injections to sedate him as i was worried it may affect his heart condition but we had to be woken up by his pain almost every hour to get the nurse to purge some morphine into him.

This morning the doctor decided to send him for another ct-scan since the pain was so severe and regular and also the stomach seemed distended. We are still waiting for the official report though the doctor briefly explained to me what he could see during the scan, paul's liver is fine and the small intestines are definitely more distended. The tumour didn't seem to grow but they are still there.

Doctor had to increase back ketamine for him and also started the morphine infusion again. He was better in the day but started to hallucinate again around 630pm and kept asking me where was he and where did i go though i was sitting next to him all the time. He was agitated again and I called the doctor and he instructed the nurse to give him a jab to sedate him so that he can relax. Now he's finally asleep but he is abit feverish now, around 38deg.

I pray that we are able to have a gd nite rest tonite as i am having terrible headache today and almost dozed off when i drove to do my work in the afternoon.....

Paul had been drowsy and slept most of the time since doctor started him on ketamine and midazolan(sleeping drug). The continuous infusion of morphine was removed together with 2 of the 3 morphine patches from his body as his respiratory rate was too low. He had fever occasionally and he's being monitored every hour. He only needed morphine once at around 11pm.

The drug was making him dreamy, drowsy and he keeps having hallucination. Doctor said it's expected but his frequent strange behavior frightens him as he realised it most of the time that he was uttering nonsense but just couldn't help it and kept seeing images and had the feeling of his soul out of his body. I was worried and wanted the doctor to cut down or turn off the drug but by doing that the pain may come back. Doctor told me it's better to let the drug runs continuously for 3days to be more effective. Tomorrow is the 3rd day but doctor had instructed the nurse to reduce the dosage to half.

It's very painful for me to witness paul going thru all these. Few of the nurses here are quite caring and kept asking me to take a rest and eat. I have been eating as i know i can't afford to fall sick at this time when my hubby needs me.

Though the doctor and the staff nurse try to prepare me for the worst but i know my God takes charge and He has the final say. I am trying very hard not to be affected by the negative words from them though i know they are doing it out of goodwill and also based on their experiences with other patients, I will continue to pray for miracle to take place. Ultimately, whatever happens, I know God has paul's interest at heart and He will provide the best way for us. Who knows, the miracle may happen very soon!

Paul's condition did not improve and doctor decided to give him continuous morphine infusion and with that his pain is under control but the side effect is he feels drowsy and hallucinate.

Doctor told me their 1st priority is to ensure paul is painfree and they are doing everything they can to ensure he's able to rest well and comfortable. This is the first time paul is experiencing prolonged pain throughout the day.

Paul woke up once in a while throughout the night and at one point he asked me is he nearing the end and i just didn't know how to answer him... I only pray that God will remove all his pain and sufferings and let the Will of God be done soon.

His mum, son, siblings, niece and nephews and some church members came to visit him today and he was very alert throughout. I want to thank God for the support from solf pastor and members. It's very tiring but we just have to stay focus on God and not the seen evidence.

It was another difficult night for us at the hospital esp for paul. He had high fever(39.3deg) and severe pain. The pain was very crampy and sharp. It came and go suddenly but it was quite unbearable everytime it attacked! Paul was given few jabs(i lost count) and i called doctor personally since the nurses here are quite slow in their work(maybe overwork???) and described to him what paul was going thru. Finally they hooked him up on a continuous iv diffusion pump to relieve his abdominal contraction(it didn't work very well though) and gave him sub-cut morphine.

After many jabs, ice-pack, medications etc etc, we finally got to sleep around 3am. He is still having some pain now and the nurse just gave him another shot of morphine.

His threshold has always been very high and for him to accept injections and pain killer shows it must be extremely painful.

We will not get him discharged today until he's more stabilize. Hopefully can celebrate National Day at home.

difficult night

Paul had very severe pain last night; it started at 11pm, 8hr after they started tube feeding. It was so bad that despite two doses of mist morphine of 20ml within half an hour, the pain didn't subside and i had to request for stronger painkiller injections which was given almost immediately. After about half an hour, he was in cold sweat and told me he couldn't take it as the pain was getting worse. I had to get the staff nurse to call his oncologist to request for some pain relief medication or injection. They gave him another jab at about 1am and he managed to sleep after about 15mins later.

The pain management doctor just left and he believed the pain should be the cause of both the tumour as well as the small intestines due to the tube-feeding. He suggested we either increase the morphine patch dosage or change the patches every 48 instead of 72hr.

Seeing paul suffer the excruciating pain is very tormenting and the worse thing is to hear the news about the patient next to our room just passed away at age 43 of pancreas cancer. He has a wife and young child. This news is indeed very demoralising!

We are not sure if he can be discharged today as he's still having some pain now. I know he wants to go home badly but it's important that the pain issues are addressed here at the hospital. If the cause could be due to the tube-feeding, both paul and myself have decided we will not try again! He said "it's not worth it!". We know doctor wants to ensure the intestines work constantly but if it's going to be so much pain and sufferings, we rather not try it again! I think it's better to feed him some small quantity of liquid every few hourly like before rather than using the tube-feeding pump!

Thank God that paul's repeat bloodtest showed he's fine and need not have any blood transfusion and anti-biotic. The black stuff could be traces of blood but it didn't appear again the whole of yesterday. Both the surgeon and oncologist were surprised to see paul so well as they expected him to be very weak and the surgeon commented "you are doing very well, much better than expected...." and the oncologist said "you look better than i had expected..." though some may feel that they are just trying to be encouraging but not the surgeon as he's quite direct and wants the patient to know their conditions and i know it's the Almighty who's been protecting paul and preserve him all these while!

This is definitely not good enough. We are praying for complete healing. We know it's not possible medically and if it's God's will for paul to be well and lead a quality and normal life; able to eat, travel, golf, gym etc... IT WILL BE DONE! We do not know when and what is God plan for him but will continue to pray and seek.

Doctor is trying tube feeding again today at the hospital to see if paul can tolerate it at extremely slow pace before discharging him tomorrow.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Paul has to be admitted today as the blood and specimen test showed there are some infections. Doctor wants him to be admitted as he may need blood transfusion and he is concerned about the black stuffs inside the ng bag as he thinks it may be internal bleeding. Whatever it is, they need to carry out more blood and specimen tests to confirm the findings and anti-biotic has to start asap.

Happy Birthday Joel

We celebrated joel's 22nd birthday last night. Here are some photos taken....

(Just in case you can't see the candles clearly, it's 22!)

(This cake is Jonathan and Pam's present for their brother... see how reluctant she looks!)

(Pam: "sure lah, so expensive you know! why buy from Swensen??? can get cheaper one rite??? Now i hv to skip lunch in school for a wk!)

(Pam: "Anyway, it's ok.. Just for my kor kor. everyone says i look like him.. got meh?")

(enjoying his favourite chilli and pepper crab!)

(birthday boy at work.. hv to remove the cake's ribbon himself...)

(a nice looking couple!)

(Group photos. two members missing... uncle paul is resting in the room and jonathan on guard duty)

We want to wish joel a very happy 22nd birthday. He has really grown up so fast and is becoming more responsible and we pray that our Gracious Father will continue to bless him in his studies, health, social life and everything he does. Joel, may you stay healthy, happy and handsome always!

Lots of lov from 105ians

Finally paul was able to go downstairs yesterday afternoon. Sister Siti and nurse came over to give him the anti-biotic and also took blood culture test as well as specimen of his bile back for lab test. He was feeling fine and went back to the room around 7pm. He felt some pain around 940pm and i gave him 10ml of morphine but it didn't work and the pain score went up instead. I called his oncologist half an hour after the morphine was given and he told me to give another 10ml and if it doesn't work in another half an hour's time, then i have to get our neighbour who's a GP to give paul the morphine jab.

It was almost 11pm when dan and maureen went over to have a word with raymond, our neighbour who's a doctor to inform him we may need his help to give the jab. Thank God paul felt better after he vomitted and didn't need the jab.

The dramatic episode usually happens in the night..... he didn't sleep well last night as the flow in the bag was not smooth and i had to do it manually couple of times to relieve him from vomitting.

He's still sleeping now and i pray that he'll be well today to go downstairs as he hates to be confined in the room all the time...

Almost had to bring paul back to hospital around 10pm last night as he was feverish but he preferred to stay home instead. Spoke to his oncologist and after giving paul the medication as instructed, his fever finally subsided and he managed to rest well after that.

His oncologist told me to observe him as he's concern that paul's immune system is low and he had lost 5kg since discharge on 14 july; if fever persists, he may be having infections again.

Paul's bile from his abdomen lately had been very smelly and sometimes black in color and the amount was suddenly double what it used to be this morning, his oncologist would like him to take a bloodtest and send specimen of his bile for test to check what's happening and he's arranging to send a doctor and nurse for home visit today since paul is too weak to go to the clinic. He had not been able to go downstairs for 5 days already.

We do not know what's going on inside his body but is comforted that he's still very alert. Most cancer patients I know are quite disillusioned at this stage and family members are not able to understand them but I thank God that paul is still as alert and his voice is still as strong and loud as before. What we can only do now is continue to pray and wait for God's will to be done. The most important thing to me now is that he's not in too much pain and we are able to communicate well...

Want to take this opportunity to thank Joel for helping uncle paul deliver his cargo to kukup yesterday; also my family for the nightly gathering around our bed to pray for paul without fail since his discharge.

Paul had not been able to go down stairs for the past 4 days as he was feeling weak and there was some discomfort at the abdomen.

We had a pretty difficult nite as he had some pain and had to give him morphine at 12am, 430 and 630am. He felt somethg hard pressing against his chest. Also gave him anti-vomit jab at around 1130pm.

He told me yesterday that he's very tired. I know it's not easy for him but we must not give up and will continue to be strong and fight this long battle together.

Paul didn't feel too good yesterday and this morning as he had been retching alot. There was also some pain at the abdomen. He is resting in the room now and hopefully can go down stairs later this afternoon if he feels better as he was confined in the room yesterday.

Spoke to Dr Kok(pain management doctor) and he told me not to reduce the morphine patch yet since he's starting to have slight pain. He will do a home visit if the pain persist. Just gave him anti-nausea jab and will monitor him.

Went to the clinic this afternoon with paul for his routine checkup and both doctors(oncologist and pain management doctor) were surprised with the news that paul only needed 2 doses of morphine since his discharge 10 days ago. Dr Khoo asked again "twice a day?" and i told him "No, twice since he was home!" They looked surprise as paul needed at least 5 or more doses of morphine and painkiller everyday when he was in the hospital. Dr Kok agreed that paul can reduce his morphine patch from 37 to 25mg.

Dr Khoo feels that paul should not proceed with another round of chemo-therapy yet until he's fitter.

The nurses were so happy to see paul and commented that he's a real fighter! We want to give honour and glory to God as we know HE is the one who has preserved paul this far and we will continue to pray for His will to be done!

see what some 105ians do between 4-5pm on a wkday....

(Daniel and paul lazing around watching tv)

(uncle paul watching pam play wii....)

(hey what's this army boy doing wz pam? )

Paul is doing very well these few days and hardly needed any jabs or morphine . Though he still has the morphine patch on him 24/7 and still can't tolerate any tube feeding yet; I try to give him his vitamins, medications and yakult thru his feeding tube everyday but he feels bloated aft only 30-40ml but there's definitely a vast improvement compared to when he was in the hospital. He is able to go down stairs everyday without any difficulty. Praise God.

We will take everything one day at a time. He will be seeing his oncologist on thurs to check his blood test results and also to discuss the next course of action. We will continue to claim God's promises as HIS faithul promises are our armor and protection.

What we need to do now is continue to stay focus and I am so thankful that there is always some 105ians coming over to our room every night to unite our hearts and pray for paul since his discharge from hospital on 14 July. I hope we will continue to do this every nite without fail.

Thanks for your love and prayers, 105ians!

Lily

Paul had minimum pain since his discharge from hospital though there's occassional dizzy spell and nausea but overall he's doing very well. Praise God!

He managed to come down stairs this afternoon to watch pam and me challenging each other in the WII game. He felt abit dizzy in the evening and thank God we have a big family here in this house and Daniel helped to bring him back to our room.

We will continue to unite our hearts as a family to pray without ceasing and believing God to touch Paul in His own special way.

Just want to share these verses which mean alot to me and keep me going:

"When you pass thru the waters, I will be with you;
When you pass thru the rivers, they will not sweep over you;
When you walk thru the fire, you will not be burned;
The flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us" Romans 8:18

We are home!

At last we are back home! Paul had his 3 tubes checked this morning by the radiologist to ensure they are working fine before doctors gave the green lights to come home. He had some discomfort this evening. Had some pain at the abdomen and was retching. After some morphine and anti-nausea injection, he is much better now. I was worried for awhile as he was abit feverish. Thank God everything is under control now!

I had wonderful time playing WII-bowling and golf with my dearest niece, nephew, daniel and maureen. Though i was last in all the games but it's fun and managed to get some form of exercise. Had been confined in the aircon room for too long, it's good to sweat it out.

Paul is also enjoying his room, bed and of course his favourite tv channel-asian food channel. We are so thankful to be home!

We slept pretty well last night. Though the tube feeding was not too good as paul was only able to tolerate 75ml and we decided not to force it after he felt some pain at 6pm.

We walked 3 rounds today and he had gained 0.4kg. Overall, he's much better. Praise God and we are truly looking forward to going home tomorrow after his tpn finishes around 2pm.

We want to give thanks to God for everything. It's been the longest stay in the hospital. Exactly 33 days including tomorrow. To me, i had really spent quality time with my hubby even though we were confined in the room most of the time but we were able to spend time speaking our mind and share our thoughts with each other whenever he was not in pain or discomfort. Though i didn't have quality sleep esp the mattress was soft and paul's constant pain and vomitting in the night woke me up so often, i must confess that after going thru this dramatic episode, i treasure him more and our bond is stronger than before.

Another battle won! Amen! Let's continue to intercede and believe that God will do a miraculous work in paul's life.

Lily

Paul tried another milk, Glucerna yesterday with doctor's suggestions as they wanted to know if it's the nutrition or the small intestines which are causing abdominal pain whenever feeding starts. Feeds started at around 5pm and it was running at a very low speed but at 1am, paul started to feel the pain and after given 10ml of morphine, pain didn't really subside. He was given iv morphine by RMO(residence medical officer) at 3am and managed to control the pain for less than an hour. Requested for more morphine at 6am and 930am.

He could hardly sleep as the cramping pain was occurring on and off throughout the night. He's much better now and doctor suggested that he should try another nutrition which is fruit based instead of milk today when he's not having any pain.

He weighed himself when we went for a walk yesterday afternoon and had gained another 0.6kg. He managed to walk 3rounds. Doctor said it could be water retention as they have pumped him with lots of fluid since he was very dehydrated but doctor mentioned that it's not easy for anyone with the disease to be able to gain weight and it's good news. Praise God!

Praise God! Another good night rest for us at the hospital. Today is exactly one month paul has been in the hospital. The ups and downs during the past month had been challenging and we want to thank God for seeing us through and pray that everything will be good from now on.

Brother Simon and sister Emily visited paul last night and shared her experiences with us. It is very encouraging to hear from her esp since she has been going thru it personally for 18 years. Her optimism and faith in God is something we have to learn. She passed 2 dvds for paul to watch.

The past week I personally feel that God had sent several people to visit paul and shared their thoughts and gave him many encouraging words from the Bible and message from their pastor. We were pleasantly surprised to see and hear from few relatives whom we hardly communicate.

Though the doctors are quite negative about paul's condition and we do not know ultimately what is God's plan for paul, we just want to continue to pray for joy, peace and faith that will wait patiently for the fulfilment of God's promises.

Finally we were able to visit hospital's garden this morning. Though it's pretty small and nothing much to see but at least this is the 1st time paul is getting some fresh air outdoor. Though he's still weak, needed to take a breather after every few steps but it's a great improvement and believe it or not, he had gained almost 7kg. Since i see him so often, i was not able to tell any difference in him and when some friends commented that he looks more radiant and less sunken, we thought they were just trying to encourage him; this morning doctor and nurses said the same and we decided to take his weight and was so shocked to see his weight and repeated another 2-3 more times removing his jacket and the ng bag but the results remained the same and it's the same weighing scale he's been using since his admission. The last time he weighed was 3 days ago. Praise God!

Yesterday evening paul experienced sharp pain on and off near his chest and the symptom and the position of the pain were similar to his previous heart condition and i requested for ecg to be done. Thank God nothing wrong with his heart, it's just minor reflux.

Occupational therapist had recommended a sponge ball and wrist brace for paul to exercise his right hand.

If everything goes on well which we pray and believe that it would, we should be going home either tues or wed.

This photo was taken at the garden.

Lily

Paul needs a 10-day course of anti-biotic instead of 5 since the infections was quite severe. He didn't sleep as well as night before as the pain was slightly more severe and he had more morphine and injections last night and this morning to relieve the pain and nausea.

He has to stop tube feeding again after less than half a pack was fed. Doctors are hoping that he's able to tolerate tube-feeding as it's important that his intestines must continue to contract instead of just relying on tpn(feedings thru blood vessels). His blood count is also abit on the low side and will be given a jab later this afternoon.

I slept very well last night since paul was feeling fine and only needed morphine once at around 3am. Doctor had increased his dosage and now he's having two morphine patch instead of one and he's able to tolerate them quite well.

Neurologist came to see him this morning and confirmed that his right hand had improved. Praise God!

Paul's having a 5day course of anti-biotic to destroy the bacteria and overall he's feeling good and hopefully we are able to visit the hospital garden soon once he is physically stronger....

Paul wants me to thank everyone once again for your constant prayers and visits and also the sharing. We know we are not alone and the heaven's gates must be flooded with lots of prayers.

With God's strength, we will continue to persevere and hang on for His Will to be Done!

Paul was out of the high dependency ward yesterday afternoon after his bp had stabilised. Though back to the normal ward, he didn't sleep well last night as he was having constant pain on the right side of his chest. Despite morphine and other injections administered, the pain didn't subside. Doctor had increased the dosage of the morphine patch and chest x-ray was taken. He's feeling drowsy with the effects of the sleeping pill and so many painkiller inside his body. He's a real fighter and we truly hope he will win this battle soon.

Once again I want to thank God for preserving paul's life. He was quite critical yesterday when he was transferred to the high-d ward. His BP was in the range of 51 to 60 for more than an hour and now it has gone up to 80+. He is still quite weak now and is undergoing blood transfusion. It is confirmed that he has infections inside his body and he's given anti-biotic to remove the bacteria. Blood culture test results will only be out tomorrow, then will the doctor know where the infections are, which they reckon it's either the hickmen line or his intestines.

He managed to sleep through the night and has been dozing off every now and then. He wanted very much to go back to the normal ward today as he is so bored here without tv and he's all hooked up with all the tubes. Though physically he's quite weak but thank God he's conscious and able to communicate with friends and relatives who visited him. He even asked me to take a photo of him(See how strong my hubby is despite going thru so much).

We want to thank pastor Chris and all SOLF members, friends and relatives who have been praying for him. He is blessed to be soaked in so much prayers. He doesn't know what tomorrow is going to be for him but he is thankful for every single day.

We will continue to pray that God will remove all the pain and discomfort from him and provide the best path for paul.

What's happening?

The happiness didn't last long! We were looking forward to going home on monday but Paul suddenly had very severe pain at his chest at 2am. The pain score was 7(usually it's about 3-5). After given 10ml of morphine, pain didn't subside and jab was given thru iv but it didn't help and he was given another strong painkiller injections which helped to subside the pain for only about half an hour. Doctor Heng came to see him at the ward and after examining him, he gave him stronger dose of morphine jab thru iv and he managed to doze off after that.

At 7am this morning, his temperature was 38.9deg. He was given anti-biotic and ECG was done. Cardiologist came and confirmed there's no sign of heart attack. Doctor reckon it may be due to infections of the hickmen line or reflux of fluid and blood culture test was carried out.

Paul suddenly felt very dizzy at about 930am and his blood pressure was very low: 57/41 and the nurse took the bp every 10-15 mins and it remained the same. Doctor gave him saline to increase his bp and if the bp doesn't improve in an hour or two, doctor wants him to be warded in the high dependency ward for observation.

Just have to continue to pray and wait.

Hallelujah!

Praise God! Paul has been feeling very good today and managed to walk 5 rounds. He didn't have any morphine since this morning and he's also off the anti-vomit injections. Doctor said if he continue to feel this way or better, he can be discharged by monday(actually if he wants to, he can go home tomorrow but doctor wants to monitor him over the weekend)

Another good news is that his right hand has improved as he can feel it's getting stronger and he's able to grip harder.

We are very surprised with the sudden change. Paul was so weak yesterday and couldn't sleep despite having 2 strong sleeping pills and the pain was so bad that he had to ask for morphine and injections at 7am.

He's so different today! We know God is with him and we want to give thanks to God and will continue to pray.

Paul's bloodtest results showed his jaundice has improved and the ct-scan showed his small intestines are less distended. Praise God!

His constant pain and nausea are due to the tumour which are still around the area. He is given 1lit of saline, 2lit of tpn(nutrition thru blood stream) and constant flow of pain killer throughout the night. Though he seems weaker but every good report gives us hope and we will continue to hang on and hopefully we can see the rainbow soon!

Happy 21st birthday to Se Eun!

Today is a very important day for Se Eun as she's getting her key to freedom, she's 21 today! Well, on this very special day of yours, Se Eun, 105ians want to wish you a very joyous and blessed 21st birthday. May you continue to stay beautiful, sexy, happy, enjoy excellent health and career and most importantly may your other half continue to shower you with love always. Have an enjoyable day!

Love,
105ians

Paul had the worst night since his admission on 12 Jun. He had severe pain and had to be given double dose of morphine at 930pm and 5am. He felt nausea despite the anti-vomit jab and vomitted many times. He couldn't sleep from 5-8am as he was having discomfort and had to sit up throughout.

He told me he's very tired and feeling weaker and worse as day goes by. I didn't know what to say except to ask him to hang on and pray that God will take away the pain and discomfort from him.

Doctor has stopped the tube feeding again and will see what the ct-scan show.

It's been a very long battle.... he was diagnosed since Jan 08. I really missed having good meals and travelling with my hubby.

It is encouraging to hear he's doing much better than most other patients who are less severe than him from both his surgeon and oncologist but is that enough? I know paul's desire is to be able to eat and travel again and i truly hope his wish will come true.

Today is the 17th day paul is in the hospital. He is still weak and yesterday was the first time he managed to finish 2 packet of milk. Praise God. We were planning to go to the hospital garden this afternoon but couldn't as he was having pain and nausea.

He will be having blood test and ct-scan tomorrow to see how's his liver function test and also any changes in the scan since he's been having constant pain. The oncologist said if his requirements of the morphine is 8x or more per day, they will start the morphine patch again.

Hopefully we can go home by end of the week....

Paul was having severe pain at the abdomen again. After he was given the anti-vomit injection and morphine, he vomitted and the pain didn't subside and he was feeling terrible. He was given a jab to stop the pain almost immediately and he felt dizzy after that. He just managed to sleep.

I know my hubby is getting weaker and i know he's fighting very hard....

It's very painful to see him suffer so much... The surgeon said they have given all the best drugs that could help him but he's not responding well to them...

I know we can't depend on the medicine and doctors anymore as medically, it seems nothing can heal him, we only can depend on our God if it's His Will to heal paul!

Paul & Lily greatly missed at home

Paul has been hospitalised for 2 weeks now. 105ians miss Paul & Lily's presence at home. It's never the same when anyone of the 105ians are not at home. 2 weeks is quite a long time and they are constantly remembered. We have been keeping them in prayer knowing that this is a very trying period of their lives. We know that Our God is Sovereign and even when things don't seem to go our way, our God is still true and faithful. Many friends are praying together with us for Paul & Lily. We are thankful for that. Let's not cease praying but continue to press on to encourage them. We are so glad that we have Hope in God.

Maureen

It was a scary experience around 2pm when i came back to the hospital. paul was very restless and agitated and kept saying he felt terrible but couldn't explain what he really wanted. He wanted to get off the bed to the chair but after doing that he stood up and wanted to go for a walk but changed his mind in a second saying he was weak. He had never behaved like this before and wanted me to get injections for him.

I called his surgeon immediately and the surgeon came and told me to remove his morphine patch and got the nurse to give him some sedation. He's asleep now... finally..... Surgeon said some people react this way with the morphine patch and suggest we give morphine as and when it's needed since he's not able to withstand the side effects of the patch.

Hopefully he is able to get some good rest now since he had not slept well last night.

Paul's MRI report showed there was a pull of the muscles at his shoulder area and it needs couple of weeks to heal and the doctor has sent an occupational therapist to assist and teach him some exercise. The abdominal xray is normal and doctor said the bloatedness and pain are caused by the tumour. The enzyme in his liver has improved but the jaundice is still on the high side.

The oncologist had ordered morphine patch for paul and it's pasted on his left chest. Despite this, he's still having pain at the abdomen every three-four hourly. Morphine was given thru his ng tube on top of the patch and he's been retching and vomitting since he had the patch on which according to the doctor, it's one of the side effects of the morphine. Today is the first time he got out of the bed to walk one round since the procedure on last tuesday. He's been very weak and his spirit had been low which is understandable esp when he's in pain and discomfort.

It's been quite a few difficult nights for him as his nausea and pain occur more in the night than daytime. Well what more can we do except to just continue to focus on God and may His Will b done!

Happy Birthday Jerica!

(Photo taken 3yrs ago in Melbourne on Jerica's 7th birthday)

Happy 10th birthday to my dearest god-daughter. Wish you good health, great friends, wonderful family, excellent academic results and wisdom. Have an enjoyable day and may our Loving Father continue to bless you in everything you do.

Lots of lov, hugs and kisses from godma and all 105ians

Paul' chest x-ray results is fine but his right hand is still very weak and the neurologist said he needs to do a MRI tomorrow to see what's the cause. Last night was quite a difficult night for us. Paul had severe pain near the liver at 1230am and after 10ml of morphine, he was still in pain and I requested for injection which didn't help and they had to give him another 10ml of morphine and standby stronger painkiller. The pain finally subsided around 430am.

Despite without any tube feeding, he still had occassional abdominal discomfort and the tummy is still abit hard. The surgeon told us it looks like tube feeding is going to be impossible for him as he suspects the tumour is the cause of his small intestines not being able to contract and he may have to rely on tpn(nutritions thru his bloodstream). Surgeon will get an abdomen x-ray done tomorrow and bloodtest on tues to check his liver.

It's indeed another sad news for us but nevertheless we will continue to place our hope in our Almighty God. We must learn to live by faith and not by sight. We will leave it to God to decide what's best for paul.

Lily

Revelations 3:8

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff , trust Him fully and let go , only 1 of 2 things will happen , either He'll catch you when you fall , or He'll teach you how to fly! 'The power of one sentence! God is going to shift things around for you and let things work in your favor. God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close. Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing to others...